You are listening to the Overthinker's Guide to Joy episode 27. This is the one
where we're going to talk all about the pressure to be happy. Let's dive in.
Hey there, you are listening to the Overthinker's Guide to Joy. This is a podcast
for overthinkers, overachievers, perfectionists, type A, stressed out,
anxious people who just want to calm down and feel better. I'm your host,
certified life coach, Jackie de Crinis.
Hi there, and welcome back. I had a really interesting weekend. I'm a big believer
that the universe is always trying to teach us something. Or should I say, I feel
like the universe is always trying to teach me something. So on Saturday, I was
driving across the island to see a friend and I was listening to Glennon Doyle's
podcast. It's called We Can Do Hard Things. It's a podcast hosted by Glennon Doyle
who's a New York Times bestseller. Glennon's wife, Abby Wambach who is one of the
most famous female soccer players and Glennon's sister, Amanda who's sort of Glennon's
right hand person, best friend and business partner. And they were interviewing
another author who is not just a New York Times bestseller but also a professor of
psychology at Yale named Dr. Lori Santos and Dr. Santos teaches and studies many
aspects of psychology, but her main focus is on happiness and in this interview
Glennon takes the position that she feels that Americans are obsessed with happiness
and she herself feels more sad than happy, more contemplative than joyful.
And she thinks that there's a lot of toxic happy people out there. Even the term
toxic happy people sort of made me laugh because it's such an oxymoron, but I kind
of knew what she meant. So this got me thinking about my last two podcasts. One
was called Simple Steps for Finding Joy and then the last one which was learning to
reframe your negative thoughts. And of course, my overthinking brain immediately went
to this thought. A lot of my writing and my podcasting focuses on how to feel
better, not just be healthier, but ultimately be happier. And then I started
thinking, oh my God, am I one of those toxic happy people that Glennon's talking
about? And the truth is, I'm not. I think a lot of my philosophy comes from the
fact that I have struggled most of my life with managing my own anxiety and a
certain amount of melancholy too. So I wouldn't categorize myself as a toxic happy
person or even just even a happy person. I think I'm happy. I'm grateful. But I
think I questioned after listening to this episode my in relationship with happiness.
So I was asking myself, well, am I happy? And the answer is yes, am I always
happy? No, am I usually happy? I'm not sure. But again, I think it's just,
I'm a person who probably leans more towards the Glen inside of things. I'm more
contemplative than joyful, but I'm also very, very grateful for the life I've had or
have. And for the most part, I have always been safe and healthy and free and
educated and all the things that anybody could want in a life. But that doesn't
make you exempt from suffering from anxiety and melancholy, thus the Overthinkers
podcast. So, it's just interesting how, as I started thinking about this,
you know, based on this episode, I don't think I think of happiness as like an
entity or a destination. I think of happiness as more of a state of being,
like being rested or satiated or calm or any of those kind of feelings.
But I also think of happiness as sort of a temporary state, something that resets
and has to be refueled. And when I was listening to this podcast, I actually was
truly happy. I was driving along the ocean. I was going to meet a friend to play
pickleball and have lunch. And then I was gonna meet another friend for a visit at
their hotel. And I was happy it was Saturday and the sky was blue and the ocean
was blue and the traffic was light. And I was happy to be going to exercise and
be with friends. And if you've been listening to my podcast, you know that I didn't
play racquet sports for nine months 'cause my shoulder injury, so I was grateful for
that. And as an added bonus, as I'm driving along the highway, along the ocean, I
see baby whales jumping out of the ocean with their mothers by their side. It was
like a pretty picture perfect Saturday. And I started thinking to myself,
how lucky am I to be able to live in Hawaii? How lucky am I to be able to have
the freedom that I do and to be able to drive along the ocean and see the whales.
And then Sunday came. And Sunday, we were taken out,
my family and I were taken out by my sister -in -law on a whale watching expedition.
And it was like another beautiful day. And we saw a bunch of whales happily
slapping their tails and breaching the water. and it was all pretty great for about
45 minutes. But the thing is, I get really seasick. And I know this,
I've known this since the fourth grade, since I went on my first whale watching
trip in California, where I had my first experience being seasick. And here it is,
like almost 50 years later, and the feeling doesn't go away. I get seasick on
boats. So there we are, happily watching the whales. The sea could not have been
any calmer. Everyone was talking about how calm it was and there was no wind. And
I was good for the first part. And then the boat stopped moving and we just sat
watching whales. And then that feeling of nausea came over me. And then that feeling
like I'm gonna die came over me. And the thing is, It was just kind of a reminder
of like, wow, yesterday I was on the shore driving along the ocean seeing the
whales and thinking I was the luckiest person alive. Today I'm on a boat seeing the
whales and everybody on this boat, I think there was 160 of us, 159 of them were
really happy and enjoying their whale watching expedition. And then there was me like
bright green, totally sick, about to fling herself overboard just to feel better.
And I thought to myself, you know what? That's life. Not every day is sunshine and
rainbows. Not every day is perfect. And not every day can we be happy. And even
when something is perfect on paper, it might not be right for you or your body.
So when it was all over and by over, I mean, I was off the boat, the nausea was
relieved, I took a nap, I woke up, and I was so grateful. I was so grateful to
feel normal again, so grateful to not be breaking out into a cold sweat, so
grateful to have my energy back and feel fine. And sometimes happiness comes from a
blissful day like it did on Saturday, and sometimes happiness comes from a feeling
of just feeling better after feeling awful.
And here's the thing, what I came to realize as I was crafting today's podcast and
thinking about my weekend and this podcast that I was listening to earlier and the
subject of happiness, I started thinking being happy is not a prerequisite for life.
In fact, I think it's easy sometimes to feel pressure about being happy. And that's
what Glennon was saying. Whether it's all the time or even some of the time, there
are so many books on happiness and being happier. And I have to be careful of that
in my own messaging because I know we all feel pressure from society and our
families and our partners and our loved ones to be happy. And then we see the
highly curated Instagram pages and Facebook pages of other people's happy,
happy lives. And when you're not feeling your best, sometimes seeing somebody who
always looks happy or always sounds happy or is always telling you to be happy can
make things so much worse. So I just want to clarify my own role on this subject.
Having an overthinking brain will often undermine our happiness because I don't like
it when my brain is looking for what is wrong rather than what is right and I
know that it undermines my well -being. And this is why I talk about, this is why
I have a podcast and a newsletter, but this is why I talk about daily practices to
calm down my overthinking brain. Practices like exercise and meditation and getting
enough water and rest and eating healthy and I'm not perfect at any of it so I
don't want you to think that I am but by taking care of our bodies and minds we
are more available to feel better and hopefully when we have more calm and peace in
our life that will bring us additional joy or dare I say happiness,
but it's a bonus. It's not a goal, it is not a destination, and it is not a
guarantee. It is just about taking care of yourself so that you feel less unwell,
less exhausted, less anxious. And then if happiness or joy or gratitude is within
your being, then at least you have the proper receptors to receive it.
So I just want to offer that and I just want to say there is no pressure to be
happy. There is only an invitation to take care of yourself so that you can feel
the best you can feel, whatever that is on the spectrum. Alright friends,
that's all I have for you this week. I hope you have a good week and I look
forward to talking to you next time. Bye for now. If you want to learn more tips
about managing your stress and how to manage your overthinking brain just go to my
website and sign up for my weekly newsletter at jackiedecrinis.com. That's j -a -c -k
i -e -d -e -c -r -i -n -i -s dot com.
You can also follow me on Instagram at Jackie de Crinis. Thank you for listening to
this episode of Overthinker's Guide to Joy. If you like what was offered in today's
episode, I would love you to leave a review and subscribe or follow wherever you
get your podcasts.
