You are listening to the Overthinkers Guide to Joy, episode 33. This is the one
where we're going to talk all about all or nothing thinking. Let's dive in. This is
a podcast for overthinkers, overdoers and overachievers who are tired of feeling over
anxious and just want to feel better. I'm your host, certified life coach, Jackie
de Crinis. Hey there, and Welcome back. So I hope you're having a good week.
And if you're listening to this in real time, spring has sprung, and there is just
a new energy all around. I know I said that a few weeks ago about spring being
sprung, but something about right now in April is just particularly joyful.
And I think part of it is I love springtime. I love when the weather gets warmer,
but it's not too hot. And I love the colors of spring. And at my home, we have
these beautiful jacaranda trees, which bloom these magnificent purple flowers, and they
tend to turn purple at the same time the Agapantha flowers do. So my whole front
yard pops with this magical canopy of purple color, and it's just,
it's kind of intoxicating and uplifting. And I just love it. Now,
the truth is, we don't really have four seasons in Hawaii. It's more like two
seasons, warm and hot. And it reminds me that we can change too. I was reminded of
this several times over the last few weeks. As I was talking to clients, I noticed
another pattern that was coming up. And the pattern was all or nothing thinking. And
I thought I would share with you a few client stories that were illustrative of
this type of thinking. I have one client who was a former marathon runner. She ran
her whole life. She loved running. She was really good at it. It helped her
maintain her weight and her health and it managed her mind. But it also gave her a
community of friends. She belonged to running clubs and she had running accountability
partners. And it was kind of just her whole social life. So it gave her a break
from her work and it gave her a break from just the day to day rat race and it
was something she loved and she was good at. It provided her healthy competition and
a really strong dose of self -esteem. But about 10 years ago, after a series of
unrelated injuries, what started out first is a knee problem and then became a lower
back problem and then eventually a broken ankle, she stopped running. She lost the
motivation, she lost her confidence, and then she became very fearful of hurting
herself again, although not all the injuries were caused by running, but they were
all aggravated by running. So when she told me the story about how she used to
run, but couldn't bear the thought of getting back to it, because she felt it would
be hard, and she knew she was out of shape, and she knew that she wouldn't be
able to run a mile, much plus 26 miles. So I asked her, why do you have to run
26 miles? Why can't you just walk a mile? And she said,
because that would just be too frustrating and humiliating and defeating. She said
she was more of an all or nothing person. And what we learned was this shows up
in other facets of her life too. Now I've seen this pattern or this type of
thinking in my weight loss clients as well. Like they'll take a bite of a brownie
or have a glass of wine and then they decide to forego their dietary goals for the
entire day. Because the mentality is why I already blew my diet so why not just
eat and drink whatever I want today? I'll start my diet tomorrow. But the problem
is sometimes that day turns into a week and then a month and then they give up
all together. Another thing I hear, and you've heard me say this many times, is
when a client tells me they can't learn to meditate. And when I ask them what's
holding them back, they'll say, "Well, I haven't found the right meditation cushion."
Or "I just can't sit in silence for 20 minutes." And I always ask, "Why do you
need a meditation cushion at all? What if you just sat in a chair or on your sofa
or on your bed?" and they're always surprised by this. I always remind them there
is no right or wrong way to meditate, there is just the doing it, the practice of
doing. And when I tell them they don't need to meditate for 20 minutes, they just
need to meditate for five minutes and they can listen to a guided meditation or
music, they are also surprised. The truth is you can meditate for one minute,
just close your eyes and breathe in and out slowly. That's meditation.
But we tell ourselves this story. It has to be perfect or it shouldn't be done.
Where does that thinking come from? Well in my experience it stems from somewhere in
our upbringing. Either there was a parent or a caregiver or a coach who gave us
the message that if we're not going to give everything a 100 % then we shouldn't be
trying at all. So if you weren't going to win then don't bother competing. Well,
that misguided notion may have been rooted in good intentions. It is a misguided
notion. The intention should be to always do your best,
try your best, but it doesn't mean you have to be the best. Now Sometimes we
develop this all -or -nothing thinking as a defense mechanism. It's a coping strategy
to simplify things. When we grow up in a household where things might have been
unpredictable because children have to cope with parents sometimes who are divorced or
perhaps a parent has died prematurely or parents who were suffering with alcohol or
drug addictions or even mental illness, what happens is children then grow up wanting
more certainty in their lives, wanting more control in their lives, more guardrails,
a way of feeling or self soothing what is a very chaotic world.
So this is how the all or nothing coping strategy is born. Now I've talked about
this before a little bit in episode 12, my episode on perfectionism. We think by
having high standards for ourselves, we avoid judgment. We think we avoid failure and
maybe avoid disappointment. While this type of thinking can be very motivating for
some people, it can help push people to work harder in some areas, particularly when
it comes to competitions, athletic, academic, or creative endeavors. That's fine as a
lens of motivation. But when it becomes the only operating manual you're using,
it's a short -term solution because the all or nothing thinking can look like a
blessing as you're training harder or working harder towards a particular goal. But
eventually it becomes an impediment because if you don't get the results you wanted,
that is you don't win the race or you don't become number one or you don't get
the job you set your sights for or whatever, it can prevent you from going out
there and trying again. Or in the case of my client who was the runner,
when an injury occurs and you can't do the thing you've trained at or are good at
or love, the setback becomes so huge, you don't try anything else.
I believe we give ourselves a hall pass from trying when this occurs. I think that
if we think we might fail at something, whether it's losing weight, getting
healthier, finding a mate, getting a job, or having a better relationship, we think
we avoid the disappointment by simply not trying. We tell ourselves if it's not
perfect, it's not worth doing. If I'm not the best, I shouldn't bother trying,
but doing your best is very different from being the best. You may have heard me
say this before, Woody Allen's famous quote, "Success is 80 % showing up." So how do
we break this habit of all or nothing thinking? How do we unwind this pattern of
avoidance? Well, here are four simple steps to help you overcome this way of
thinking. Number one, stop telling yourself that you're an all or nothing person.
You've heard me talk about this before. Labels that you give yourself or others tend
to reinforce behaviors or perceptions. So let that go. Number two,
accept that a little bit is really enough. That's like I was talking about earlier.
One minute of meditation is better than none. A walk around the block is better
than not moving at all. Alright number three, aim for progress not perfection.
This goes to the very essence of what I talk about every week. It's all just a
practice. Number four, praise yourself for the small wins. When I have a client that
tells me that they've gone from drinking one glass of water a day to four glasses,
I tell them to celebrate this. Yes, even drinking more water deserves praise.
But it goes to all of your habits. When you start doing one little thing a day,
and I did a whole episode on habits last week, stop and praise yourself. Give
yourself credit for where you've had progress. Now, how do I know so much about all
or nothing thinking? Because this was kind of my modus operandi for most of my life
too. I thought it was a shortcut to think of things in two categories. That all or
nothing, that black or white, that good or bad, that success or failure. But
learning to see things with more compassion, curiosity and even forgiveness,
whether it's for yourself or for others can open up your world to a whole new
level of opportunity and joy. So my client who stopped running for nearly a decade
has started walking up hills now and running down them. She says that she forgot
how joyful it was to have the wind in her face and go fast again. And she's
looking forward to learning to run back up hills but for now she's thrilled that
she's running down them. My client who couldn't stick to her healthy eating program
no longer sees it as an all or nothing just because she might have had a glass of
wine or maybe an occasional dessert. She has gone on to lose 12 pounds.
My client who absolutely could not meditate now starts every day with a five -minute
guided meditation before she has her first cup of coffee. We celebrate their wins,
we celebrate the practice. They're learning to let go of the all or nothing and
embrace the 50 shades of gray. So I have one question for you. Where are you
letting that all or nothing mentality get in your way? And what's one thing you
could do today that might change it? Alright friends, I hope you will try something
knew that you were afraid of or reacquaint yourself with something that you miss
doing and want to give it a try again. I look forward to talking to you next
time. Have a great week and bye for now. Thank you for listening to this episode
of The Overthinker's Guide to Joy. If you're enjoying these episodes, please subscribe
or follow this podcast so you can always be in the know when the next episode
drops. If you would like to learn more about working with me as a coach, you can
connect with me through my website at jackiedecrinis.com. That's J -A -C -K -I -E -D -E
-C -R -I -N -I -S .com.
