You are listening to the Overthinkers Guide to Joy, episode 34. This week, I'm going
to talk all about anxiety and addiction. Let's dive in. This is a podcast for
overthinkers, overdoers and overachievers who are tired of feeling overanxious and just
want to feel better. I'm your host, certified life coach, Jackie de Crinis.
Hey there, and welcome back. So, a few weeks ago, I was talking about habits,
and as many of you know, the cornerstone of my work is all about developing good
daily habits and learning to let go of the habits that are holding you back.
What I didn't talk about in the earlier episodes is addiction. While I'm not an
addiction expert, I'm always eager to learn more about the world of it. We tend to
think of addiction or addicts as people with potentially dangerous habits. Usually we
associate addiction with drugs or alcohol, smoking, or sometimes gambling. But these
are just the ones that get a lot of attention. Addiction comes in all shapes and
sizes. And the truth is, most of us are addicted to something. People often joke
about being addicted to sugar or caffeine. But since these things are socially
acceptable, we don't pay quite as much attention to them. But they're just as
serious of an addiction as anything else. Because addiction can really mean anything
that we feel we can't control, or it has more control over us.
Now, many years ago, I knew a woman who was a shopping addict. And she said that
she would shop when she was having a good day. She would shop when she was having
a bad day. She would shop when she was bored. She said the immediate high of
purchasing something was the best part. Sometimes wearing something for the first time
or, you know, carrying a new handbag and getting a compliment would keep the high
going a little longer. But for the most part, it was actually all about the
shopping, not even the having. She talked about leaving things in her closet that
she never removed the tags from. She would sometimes buy things in duplicate. She
just didn't even know what she had. And most of the time, she was wracked with
guilt and shame. When her credit card came, she'd be devastated. And not only could
she not afford her habit, she knew that it was a disease. She actually joined
Shopaholics Anonymous, not that different than AA, but she said her group was not
particularly helpful because where they met was in an office building right across
the street from Neiman Marcus in Beverly Hills, which was her favorite store. And
all she could do was focus on the Neiman Marcus sign the entire time they would
have a meeting. She compared it to going to an AA meeting and a coffee shop across
from your favorite bar. So, she ended up finding another shopaholics anonymous meeting
center and she was quite successful. But the point was, I didn't even know at that
time, I mean this was like in the early 80s, I didn't even know that at that time
that was a potential addiction. But once again, it just doesn't get maybe necessarily
the same amount of airtime as some of the more common addictions. So Yes,
sugar, caffeine, food, shopping, they're all equally difficult addictions to break.
But the new research indicates that one of the greatest new addictions is actually
in the palm of our hands. And that's our smartphones. And obviously,
it's not just the phone itself, but all of the apps and technology available inside
our little devices. And it wasn't that long ago that it was a big deal to like
get a letter in the mail or a phone call from a friend or loved one. I remember
being a teenager and I just loved the phone. My girlfriends and I would spend hours
talking on the phone. It was the 70s and it's just what we did. If you couldn't
get to somebody's house to hang out, you sat on the phone for hours and just
talked about stuff. And then in the early 80s, pagers and beepers were the big
things. What started out as a life -saving tool for doctors on call, then became a
communication device for friends and family. And then of course that gave way to the
answering machine, and for those of you old enough to remember, racing home from
work to see if the red light was blinking on the machine in hopes that somebody
important or interesting would leave us a message. And then came the cell phone,
and then the ability to leave messages on the phone itself. And then came
smartphones. And that's when addictive behavior went into overdrive. Letter writing,
of course, became emails. Texting was a more sophisticated form of a pager system.
Social media with Facebook likes, Instagram hearts, Snapchat messages, Twitter retweets,
gaming, shopping, and algorithms that know your every keystroke. Google searches,
shopping histories, sales you might like, things you need, things you want, things
you didn't even know existed, and now you can't live without them. Sometimes you'll
want something so badly that pops up in your feed, you're willing to click on
Amazon at a long red light just so you can have it for next day delivery. And
yes, any one of these things can become or already is an addiction.
So the question is, are we all addicted to our phones because of the apps and the
conditioning of the sound of a ping or a badge icon indicating that you have new
information ready for you? Well, maybe, maybe that's part of it.
I mean, there are engineers who work very, very hard to make sure that the sounds
and the colors and the lights and the scrolls and the algorithms all feed into you
wanting more, more, more. Whether that's again, shopping, social media, gaming,
gambling, whatever. But I think the difference between what is maybe something that's
fun versus an addiction or a bad habit versus an addiction is But an addiction,
the distinction would be you need it to pacify a feeling in your body,
like it's a calling. And one of the biggest problems with all addictions is that
it's probably rooted in something else. We tried something at one time for the first
time because of a circumstance, whether it was the first time you had a first bite
of birthday cake and there's a happy memory being associated with going to birthday
parties or maybe it was your first sip of alcohol at a wedding or to buy something
that you didn't really need but it felt celebratory and fun and you just wanted it
and so those happy memories those triggers of trying something for the first time
are fine. The only problem is if it becomes an addiction,
right? So that first sip of alcohol turns into I need to have a whole glass, a
whole glass is I need to have a whole bottle or I need to have it every day or
I need to eat cake every day or I need to buy something every day. When it
becomes a ritual or a again, a pacification,
that's when it's a problem. So, like I said, any one of these habits are fine in
moderation or with mindfulness, but it's when we mindlessly do something, or knowingly
do something, that we know has negative consequences. And yet, we keep doing it.
So Dr. Judd Brewer is a psychiatrist who not only has a medical degree, but also a
PhD and studies stress and anxiety. And he wrote the New York Times bestseller,
Unwinding Anxiety, where he talks about his extensive research on the subject of
addiction. And I'll link up the book in the show notes. It's a phenomenal book.
If you've ever had any curiosity about your own addictions or your own anxiety,
it's just a phenomenal explanation of why our brains do what they do.
But I'm going to try and summarize it a little bit in this podcast. He talks about
addiction being something we use as a coping mechanism to avoid other unpleasant
feelings, whether that's boredom, loneliness, nervousness, anxiety, stress,
and security, whatever. And anxiety, although an unpleasant feeling,
is something that is an addiction that is on the rise as well. I'll talk about
that in a little bit. Many of us wear our stress or anxiety as a badge of honor
and at some point in our lives it probably drove us. It made us purposeful and it
may have made you even successful. I know that I often wore my anxiety as a badge
of honor and I do believe that it was partly why I was successful. But as one of
my clients and former colleagues coined the phrase my anxiety is no longer a winning
strategy Dr. Brewer offers a three -step approach to breaking this cycle of addiction
whether it be anxiety or something else He says the first step or gear as he calls
them is awareness Asking yourself these questions before you indulge in your go have
it, your go -to addiction. One, why am I doing this? What triggered this behavior?
What reward am I getting? And four, do I wanna keep doing this? Now,
in the case of smoking, which is an example he uses quite frequently, you may have
started smoking when you were a teenager to rebel against your parents, to look
cool, to fit in with your friends. It gave you a reward, But those reasons may no
longer serve you. Now you may still smoke just out of habit, when you're stressed,
when you're bored, when you're anxious, when you want to avoid something. This is
the awareness part. This is the first gear. Now here's part two, or second gear.
Pay attention to the results now, using again the smoking analogy. It's expensive,
It's inconvenient, it can cause cancer, emphysema, it's annoying to others, it tastes
bad, it smells bad. So the reasons for initially doing it probably don't exist
anymore. Does it still help you fit in? Does it still make you feel cool? Do you
still feel like you need to rebel against your parents? And then what's the feeling
in your body that triggers the need to smoke? Is it boredom, irritation,
distraction? What can you learn from those feelings? In the book, Brewer talks about
overcoming addiction, not being about willpower. Willpower is kind of an old -fashioned
philosophy. If you just had enough willpower, you could avoid your addiction or you
could break your addiction. He doesn't believe this anymore. He thinks that it's
about retraining your brain to access the right memory. The one that reminds you
that the dopamine hit that you once got from that activity or substance is no
longer worth the longer term feeling of discomfort or guilt or disease. So the
second gear to reiterate is about asking the question, what can I learn from this?
Being truly curious about the consequences just beyond the immediate gratification
phase. And finally, there's third gear. And third gear is what Brewer refers to as
the BBO, finding a bigger, better offer. You need to find another reward that is
more rewarding than the previous one. Again, using the smoking analogy, but one of
the reasons people tend to gain weight when they quit smoking is that they
substitute eating for smoking. Now, if you were to have a piece of candy or some
potato chips every time you wanted a cigarette, you are likely to end up gaining
weight. Same would be true if you were to stop drinking alcohol and substitute a
junk food for alcohol. So in the case of stress being a trigger,
instead of eating a cupcake or having a cigarette or even a drink, he suggests
using mindful curiosity as the new behavior. That's your BBO, your bigger,
better offer. So when anxiety or stress comes up for you and your instinct is to
go to your favorite addiction, try allowing the feeling to just be. Notice the
feeling in your body. Where is the anxiety? Like what part of your body? What does
it feel like? Use adjectives to describe it. Is there a burning in your stomach,
is there tension in your neck? Is there tightness in your chest? And don't judge
it. Just get specific with the adjective and the location. And then let it be.
Just notice it and say, hmm, that's interesting. And again, the more descriptive,
the better. Maybe your stress or tension is in more than one place and maybe with
different feelings. Get curious about this too. The key is not to judge the feelings
or label them as bad. It's just to let them exist. Brewer goes on to say curiosity
trumps anxiety. It's part of the process of stepping out of your old habit loop and
into the present moment. He uses the acronym of RAIN, R -A -I AIN as another
technique to stop the negative habit loop. So R stands for recognize, relax.
A stands for accept, allow. I stands for investigate those bodily sensations.
And N is to note what is happening moment to moment. Now, if there's a habit you
would like to break or an addiction that you would like to conquer, you can try
utilizing Dr. Brewer's three gears. Here's a quick recap of those three gears.
Number one, awareness. Notice the habit. Remember where it started. Two,
what can you learn from this? And what do you really need right now? Three,
get curious. Where's the feeling? What does it feel like? Be specific.
Keep asking questions. And within that, What's the healthy alternative? What's your
bigger, better offer? Curiosity may be your bigger, better offer, but maybe there's
an alternative too. Like instead of having a cigarette or a cupcake, maybe you can
go for a walk around the block. Maybe you can meditate. Maybe you can turn on some
calming music, right? What's the BBO? But one of the best BBOs that he talks about
in the book is self compassion, and love. He offers this meditation while taking
slow, deep breaths. May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you be free from
harm, may you care for yourself with kindness, and then one more time for yourself.
May I be happy, may I be healthy, may I be free from harm,
"May I care for myself with kindness." So go slowly, repeat this as many times as
you need, and see if you can't find self -compassion and a bigger,
better offer for breaking that habit that you would no longer like to be an
addiction in your life. All right, friends, that is all I have for you for today.
I look forward to talking with you next time. Until then, I wish you more peace
and joy in your life and bye for now.
That's J -A -C -K -I -E -D -E -C -R -I -N -I -S dot com.
