Are you mad at me?
I have asked myself that question more times than I care to admit.
Did I say something wrong?
Was that text too abrupt?
Did I overshare?
Am I too much?
If you are a people pleaser, you might be very familiar with some of this internal dialogue.
Recently, my friend Carol, who also happens to be a therapist, recommended a book called Are You Mad at Me? by licensed therapist Meg Josephson.
And, at the risk of turning this newsletter into a weekly book review series, I have to tell you about it.
Because I think anyone who struggles with people-pleasing, perfectionism, or overthinking should read this book.
(Although, of course, you should read The Overthinker’s Guide to Joy first. 😉)
What I love about Are You Mad at Me? is how Josephson connects the dots between the things we do to protect ourselves and the patterns we carry long after we no longer need that protection.
People-pleasing. Perfectionism. Overthinking. Hypervigilance.
I call them kissing cousins because they tend to show up together.
And sometimes we have no idea why.
Maybe you grew up in a home where you had to read the room before you walked into it.
Maybe you learned that being “good” kept the peace.
Maybe you became really good at anticipating what everyone else needed.
Maybe you learned that getting it right was “safer” than getting it wrong.
And then you grew up.
The circumstances changed.
But the patterns didn’t necessarily go with them.
Instead, they followed you into your marriage. Your friendships. Your family. Your career.
And because the circumstances look different, you may not even recognize the pattern.
That’s the tricky part.
These things shape-shift.
The person who learned to monitor a parent’s mood may become the adult who monitors her boss’s mood.
The child who learned to keep the peace may become the partner who avoids difficult conversations.
The person who learned to earn approval by being perfect may become the adult who can’t tolerate making a mistake.
Same pattern. Different packaging.
And sometimes there is a strange comfort in the discomfort.
The devil you know.
I know this because I lived it.
And after coaching hundreds of clients, I know I’m not the only one.
One of the most powerful things we can do is simply notice.
Not fix it.
Not judge it.
Just notice the thoughts…
Oh. There I go again.
Trying to make everyone happy.
Reading into that text.
Assuming their mood is my responsibility.
Trying to get it perfect.
That little bit of awareness creates a little bit of space.
And sometimes that’s where change begins.
So if any of this sounds painfully familiar, read Josephson’s book… or read mine.
Or listen to one of my podcast episodes on people-pleasing and perfectionism.
Or, if you’re ready to get help in breaking these patterns, book a coaching session with me.
You don’t need to become someone different. You just need to know that these habits no longer need to run the show.
Happy Wednesday!
Jackie
