You are listening to the Overthinkers Guide to Joy episode 35. This is the one
where I'm going to talk about worrying, what you're worried about, why you shouldn't
worry, and how worrying is not helping you. Let's dive in. This is a podcast for
overthinkers, overdoers and overachievers who are tired of feeling over anxious and
just want to feel better. I'm your host, I'd live coach Jackie de Crinis. Hey there,
and welcome back. So one of the most common questions I get about my podcast is
how do I choose my topic of the week? And most of the time, the subject comes
from a collection of conversations with clients where I'll hear a pattern in the
conversations. It's like there's something in the zeitgeist. Now that would make a
lot more sense If all of my clients worked for the same company or lived in the
same town or did the same kind of work for a living But they don't they're all
over the world And they all have different lifestyles and careers and income levels
and their men and their women and their older and their younger And so there's
really no common denominator Other than in a weird strange way Things just show up
as a theme and sometimes it's a theme for a week or sometimes I'll see it for a
month. And so I just make notes and I try to collect that collective unconscious
and formulate an episode about it. And so this week's theme or this week's
conversation is really about the habit. I know we're on habits again because
everything's been about habits lately, but the habit of worry, The bad habit of
worry and what I love about talking about the subject today is I spent a good
chunk of my life
Making worry My go -to habit Like I think I thought when I was very little that if
I worried about something Somehow I was managing it if I thought about it before I
went to sleep, if I thought about it when I was getting dressed in the morning, if
I thought about it when I was alone or with other people. But worrying became this
thing that I just did to prevent bad things from happening or surprises from
happening or I don't even know. So I thought I would talk about the habit of
worrying. Now, the interesting thing is, as I've gotten older, I've gotten much
better about watching my own brain and checking myself when I start to worry for
the sake of worrying or I just jump on the worry wagon. And maybe just because of
life experience or maybe because of maturity, I am less of a worrier now as an
adult. It's really rare that I'm just worried for the sake of worrying. But what I
noticed was over the last few weeks, as my plate started getting more full,
my youngest daughter is about to graduate from high school and there has just been
a lot of activity in regards to that. There's everything from, you know, figuring
out what college she was going to, to college visits, to prom, to her last season
of tennis and playoffs and sectionals and now going to potentially state finals and
there's just a lot of commitment. There's a lot of time commitment. There's a lot
of anxiety for her as to juggling all the sports and academics and travel and she
travels for sports as well. And I just noticed that as she was worried about exams
and playoffs and college visits and travel and all these things I started worrying
about it too. Some of it is due to the fact that she is graduating and she's my
youngest child and so there's a certain amount of both excitement for both of us
and a little bit of melancholy because the emptiness is looming large and while I'm
thrilled that she will graduate and thrilled she'll go off to college there is a
sadness when your last child goes off and that role of, you know,
raising or being responsible for somebody day to day is gone. And we're always
responsible for our children and my children could be, you know, 50, 60, 70 years
old, and we will always worry about them and care about them and talk to them and
communicate with them and problem solve with them. But it's different when they live
under your roof, and it's different when they are still in school,
and they're finding their way. But anyway, I find myself worrying more than I have
in years. And it manifests in different ways. I find myself worrying that she maybe
won't pass one of her final exams and it'll jeopardize her college, which as my
husband said, that's ridiculous, but it could happen. I worry about her not making
it to the state finals in tennis after she's worked so hard. And again, can't
control it, so why am I worrying about it? But I feel like I'm taking on her
stress. And I realize that when we worry, it's not just a habit,
but oftentimes we think worrying is a strategy. Worrying is a learned behavior.
And I think I came from a long line of warriors, my grandparents were, you know,
world -class hand -wringing warriors, and my dad was a little bit like that too, and
it was always coming from a place of love and concern, but I think I felt their
worry, they probably felt my worry, and then together, it probably made it worse. As
I get older, and I was able to wrestle my worry to the ground a little bit more,
like I said, I was able to be more cognizant of that habit and sort of check in
with myself to say, am I worrying about just worrying or is there really something
to worry about? And what I noticed is over this last few weeks with my teenage
daughter, as she was getting more worried, I realized I was letting it creep in as
well. And let's just say, worry can be like an old friend or maybe like a toxic
ex -boyfriend reaching out through Facebook and just saying hi. It's subtle at first.
You almost don't see him coming. You don't see the agenda, you don't see the harm.
You're like, sure you can visit, I'm over you, I see you. And they stay. Worry
stays, and it's almost like you're an old friend because if you were like me, you
spent so much of your life worrying that worry almost feels good. It's like,
oh yeah, this is familiar. But then my old friend Worry wants to stay and hang
out, spend the night, sleep in my bed, and start commenting on other parts of my
life. So Worry is a vampire. And if you invite them in, it in,
it's very hard to get rid of 'em. And Worry has darkened my doorstep lately and
has taken residence in my house and is now trying to crawl inside my body. And I
thought to myself, why do I indulge this intruder? Why don't I just ask worry to
leave? Why don't I just show worry the door and let them know I've got this
covered? Because deep down inside, I think there's a benefit or we think there's a
benefit. We think worry is a protective device. And look,
there's so many things you can worry about. I mean, the most common ones, of
course, are failing a test or getting fired or a friend being mad at us because of
something we said or a romantic partner ending a relationship. But worry can seep
into anything. And if we let worry take over, worry begets worry.
And sometimes when we don't have anything to worry about ourselves, we worry for
somebody else. And that's a classic for mothers with their children and fathers too.
But worry does not serve us and it doesn't serve the people we love. It drains the
collective energy of possibility. When we worry, we rob ourselves from the present
because we're not seeing the beautiful flowers, we're not listening to the birds
singing, we're not hearing the ocean, we're not smelling the great smells of spring,
we're thinking about what we're worried about. And so we're literally checking out of
our bodies. And then we're checking out from the conversations we're having, or we're
checking out from our loved ones who are waiting for us to respond to something or
need our attention. So we rob ourselves of the present moment and we rob everybody
around us. And like I said, Worry is contagious.
The more we worry, the more we infect others. So how do we stop the runaway train
of worry? Well, physical activity is actually one of the best ways to break the
worry cycle. Going outside and playing. You can also go inside and play.
But playing is different for everyone. For some people, it's swimming or jumping in
the ocean, taking a walk in nature, riding a bike, dancing. For me, playing is
usually tennis or pickleball. But just playing, having fun,
even if that's playing in the dirt in your garden or playing with clay or doing
something artistic. But using another part of your brain to distract you.
Another great distraction is having lunch with a friend or dinner. When we're alone,
worry tends to creep in a little louder. And worry seems to feed off silence.
And our brain loves to entertain a worrisome thought over and over. This is known
as ruminating. And it can be a difficult rollercoaster to get off once that
rumination starts. So first and foremost, It's important when there's something to
worry about or not. It's important to take care of yourself first. You'll hear me
say that on every episode. And I always go through my self care list. Am I
hydrated? Have I eaten properly? That is, have I gotten enough healthy protein today?
Do I need to rest? Am I tired? And have I meditated? Now, if I've checked all the
boxes, along with exercise, of course, then I need to look at the worry itself.
I need to ask, is it something specific than I'm worried about? Or is it just a
general feeling? Is it even my worry to carry or have I taken on someone else's
worry? And if it's someone else's worry, can you give yourself permission to let it
go and just simply Hold space for them rather than worry for them.
And what does hold space mean? Well, that means to be compassionate But also trust
that they'll find their way Now if the worry is something specific identify what it
is Sometimes even writing it down and looking at it is really helpful Is it a list
of things that need to get done or is it just really one thing? Is it something
you're afraid of? I promise you, no matter what it is, worrying is not the answer.
So ask yourself this question. Can you do something about the thing that has you
worried? And if you can do something to fix it, but if you can't,
if it's bigger than you, then you have to let it go.
But the other question is, is there a trigger for your worry? So a lot of times
what we don't realize is other habits that we have trigger ourselves, trigger our
brains and our emotions into worrying, and we don't even realize it. And those two
big triggers are usually social media and news. So the question is, can you take a
hiatus from your social media or news and see if that doesn't reduce the triggers
and subsequently reduce the worry. So I want to remind you, worrying is a cycle.
It's a habit and it can be really hard to break. But getting specific about what
actually going on and maybe what even you're afraid of, like ask yourself,
what's the worst thing that could happen? And then ask yourself, and then what? Like
after it is truly the worst? Is that so bad? And what can you think about beyond
the worst thing? Like, is it possible that there's actually a good outcome when
you're done with the worst case scenario? Maybe you'll be free of something that you
want to be free of. I'll give you an example of this. The other night, my husband
and I were celebrating our wedding anniversary and we had made plans to meet friends
on the other side of town and play tennis before we were going to go to our
anniversary dinner at one of the elegant hotels. And as the day approached more and
more things kept getting in the way of our you know afternoon off. My husband had
forgotten he had a haircut appointment in the afternoon and then he had to do a
conference call from the car and so we needed to leave two extra hours early to
accommodate these other commitments. So I had packed a bag of toiletries and a
change of clothes and jewelry and whatever so that we could shower after our game
and then be ready for our nice fancy dinner. And I had given him a tote bag to
put his toiletries and change of clothes and towel and everything. And I had put it
on the bathroom floor and I said, "Oh, the black bag is yours." And I packed my
stuff and put it in the car along with my tennis bag and he packed his stuff and
then he put his tennis bag in the car and we took him to his haircut appointment
and then he did his conference call from the car and then we were late because
there was so much traffic so we were late for every appointment and then we were
late for our tennis match and we finally arrive and he's a little bit frazzled from
the call and being late and then he says, gets out of the car and he goes, "You
didn't bring the black bag with our clothes in it." And I said, "What are you
talking about? That was your black bag with your clothes in it." I brought my bag
with my clothes and my jewelry and my toiletries. And he goes, "Oh, I thought we
were packing together and I just thought that was our bag." And I'm like, "Nope,
that was your bag." And he goes, "I don't have a change of clothes for after
tennis." And there's like no way we could have gone to dinner and sweaty tennis
clothes. And so I just looked at him and I'm like, what are we gonna do? We're
gonna have to give up our dinner reservation. And he's like, well, no, there's, you
know, I'll go to the store down the road and I'll get some casual clothes or clean
clothes and whatever. So we finished our tennis game and he went to this store and
he bought an outfit he didn't like because that was what fit and that's what they
had and came back and showered. And then we relate to our reservation and I kept
trying to call and they weren't answering. And I'm like, they're gonna cancel our
reservation. It took me two months to get this reservation and they're gonna cancel
'cause we're 15 minutes late. And he's like, well, so if they do, we'll do
something else. And I'm like, like what? I mean, we, you know, it's too late to
get a reservation anywhere else and we're all dressed up and we came all the way
over here to eat at this restaurant. And he's like, well, we'll go get fish tacos
and it'll be like our funny anniversary story about how we forgot our clothes and,
you know, had to go buy new ones and then we missed our reservation and then we
ate tacos for our anniversary dinner and it'll be fine. And it was so interesting,
just like all the worry that I had about forgetting something and being late and
organizing the day just right so that all the appointments lined up and having the
perfect romantic dinner by the ocean and juggling everything. I just wanted it to be
perfect and I put so much energy into it. But when he said that, like, so what?
So we'll just go grab some food and it'll be a funny story. And it just took all
the pressure off of it. Like, it just didn't matter. We were together and we got
to play tennis, which is my favorite thing to do. And since tennis is how we met,
it's a great way to celebrate our wedding anniversary. And when we got to the
restaurant, it turns out the restaurant was running 45 minutes behind. So we went to
the hotel bar and had two of the most expensive cocktails I've ever had in my
life. We didn't see the menu with the prices. And we just laughed about that too
because the cocktails weren't even very good. And between him having to buy a new
outfit and these two drinks that we bought to kill time because the restaurant was
running behind, it ended up being kind a very expensive evening, but even that was
sort of silly and funny and laughable. And when we finally did sit down to the
table an hour later and the food was excellent and the setting was beautiful and we
laughed and we shared our appreciation of our journey thus far and just the whole
day and how it really had a nice ending. But the reason it was okay was because
we took the worry out of the situation. We accepted that we were running late and
that we were missing his clothes and we might get our reservation canceled and we
spent too much money on drinks and he bought an outfit he didn't like, but it just
didn't matter in the end. It was a series of mistakes, but it was fun and it was
funny and we were together and I'll probably always remember this anniversary. So my
question for you is, what are you worrying about right now that might just be fine
if you stopped worrying about it being perfect? Or even if you accepted that it'll
be a disaster, but it still might be okay because it might make a great story
later on. So if you have something that is bothering you today, ask yourself one of
these two questions. One, can you fix it? And two,
if you can't, can you just let it go and trust that holding space for yourself or
someone else and not worrying is better for everyone involved? All right friends,
that's what I have for you this week. I hope you're having a good one and I look
forward to talking to you next time. Bye for now.
