You are listening to the Overthinker's Guide to Joy episode 10. This week I'm going
to talk about the importance of forgiveness, because forgiveness is freedom
emotionally, physically, and mentally. Let's dive in.
Hey there, you are listening to the Overthinker's Guide to Joy. This is a podcast
for Our achievers, perfectionists, type A, stressed out,
anxious people who just want to calm down and feel better. I'm your host,
certified life coach Jackie de Crinis.
Hey there and welcome back. Today we're going to talk about another theme that comes
up with a lot of my clients. And this is about toxic friendships, relationships,
or letting go of old wounds caused by some other circumstance. Now,
oftentimes I see a pattern of toxic relationships stemming from childhood patterns.
Usually people who are raised by either narcissists or substance abusers, whether
that's alcoholics or drug addicts. What happens is oftentimes,
even as adults, the pattern of overcompensation, people pleasing,
walking on eggshells, and even just self -doubt shows up time and time again.
And this is true for even very successful people. They may have overcome a hardship
when they were children, but then it manifests in symptoms of their adult life.
I'll give you some examples. I had a client who was an adult and when she was
little her mother was a drug addict and a narcissist. Her mother was more focused
on partying and being with her boyfriends de jure than she was raising her own two
children. So my client was often neglected, emotionally abused,
and even physically abused by some of the boyfriends. Now, in spite of that,
she became a very successful professional. But her deep wounds manifested in obesity,
workaholism, and distrust of most people. And outside of her own husband and
children, she had no other support system, no other family, no close girlfriends,
just work and her immediate family. She was brilliant and beautiful but self
-sabotaged with food and ignoring her own potentially life -threatening medical
conditions in spite of being a doctor. Her mother ended up taking her own life and
blamed my client and my client never got closure. So that pattern of guilt and
shame, and confusion, and distrust of primary caregiver being inconsistent when they
were a child, but then also manifesting as an adult, never went away. And that's
why the self -sabotage was there. In another situation, I had a client whose mother
was a narcissist and an alcoholic, and this forced my client and her younger sister
to basically raise themselves. She and her sister went to work at a very young age
and both became quite successful financially. But the scars left by their mother
impacted their personal relationships and their inherent lack of self -worth. Their
only validation was earning money, which turned them into workaholics.
But it had or negative consequences on both of their marriages and also their
personal relationships as adults. Again, very distrustful and overly people -pleased but
kind of in a manipulative way because that's how they managed their mother's
unpredictability and alcoholism. I had another client who was raised by a narcissistic
judgemental mother who blamed my client as a little boy for everything that went
wrong with their life. In this case the client got married to a woman he barely
knew because she was beautiful and seemed different than his mother. But during their
twenty -year marriage he realized that he repeated the pattern. Like his mother,
his wife was a malcontent. She suffered from depression and had no interest in doing
any form of self -improvement work to work through her depression. He was devastated
that just like his mother, no matter what he did, he could not make her happy, and
the marriage ultimately ended. But it's not always the case that it's a parent that
causes the deep -seated emotional distrust. Sometimes it can be a series of partners
or even a series of good friends who disappoint us. And at the danger of
overgeneralizing, I see a pattern of women who struggle with losing often a long
time best friend. And for many women who have had friendships five, 10, 25 years
with the same group or a single friend, it can be devastating when these things
change. Women tend to blame themselves and it feels like a divorce when we start to
grow apart or lose a friend. In all of these cases, Whether it was a parent -child
or romantic relationship or deep friendship, the common denominator when it's gone is
grief. It's the same feeling as if someone has died. Now,
oftentimes we don't have the opportunity to find out what went awry. We tend to
turn it inwards and blame ourselves. We think it's something we did. If only I was
a better child, my parent wouldn't have drank or done drugs. If only I was a
better partner, then my wife wouldn't be depressed. If only I was a better friend,
I would understand why I'm now being left out of group activities or travels or why
I've been shunned from my best friend or group. Well, in the case of mental illness
or addiction, unless the other party has gotten sober and or counseling, they don't
have the mental capacity to have a rational discussion about the past. They might be
unaware of their behavior or the ability to explain what was happening for them. So
the victim or recipient of that behavior, the child, the spouse, the best friend,
doesn't ever get an apology or an understanding or context for why it happened to
them. They continue to carry the burden and keep attracting similar situations to try
and make sense of this. In other words, unless we do the work ourselves,
this becomes our pattern that we keep repeating over and over again,
even in the absence of our abuser or our oppressor, our parent or our old friend.
So how do we make peace with somebody who has intentionally or unintentionally hurt
us, especially if they're no longer living or in our lives or they refuse to
address the issues? This is where we practice forgiveness. I know this feels
strangely incongruent. How can I forgive somebody who has caused me so much physical
or emotional harm? Why should I forgive someone who hurt me? Or if I forgive
someone who has committed a crime, then aren't I condoning their behavior? What if
they do it to someone else? And how can I forgive someone if they don't know I
have forgiven them? The answer is that forgiveness is not a condemnation of someone's
bad behavior. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness. Forgiveness is a gift that you
give to yourself. Forgiveness is a way to take back the power that you've been
giving away to your oppressor. Because when we allow a bad history,
or a conflict, or a silence, or a bad feeling that we last had with that person
or an encounter with that last person. We've given them the power,
so we suffer. They don't. So how do we practice forgiveness?
How do we do it when we're hurting? How do we do it when we're angry? And how do
we practice forgiveness when somebody is already gone but the wound still feels so
fresh. I think there's a lot of ways to practice forgiveness but there's two that I
love and I recommend to everyone and there are two that I use regularly for myself.
You can use either or both because they're not mutually exclusive. The one that I've
used for years is writing a letter to the person or the people that have hurt you.
Type it, write it longhand, it doesn't matter. Write it as if you're writing to
them. And get it all out. Every detail, every feeling,
every thought. Leave nothing behind.
The letter might be one sentence. It might be ten pages. It doesn't matter.
Write as fast as you can. Don't worry about grammar. Don't worry about spelling.
Don't worry about editing. Just write.
And when you feel complete, read it and edit it as many times as you like.
Add to it if you need to and then let it sit. Come back to it a day or two
later. read it out loud, but only to yourself. And if you truly feel complete and
you have nothing to add or to take away, you feel like you've said everything
you've ever wanted to say to this person with no consequence, then take the letter
and burn it someplace safe or shred it. Give yourself the closure,
you need, and you deserve.
The other tool that I use for forgiveness was introduced to me by my good friend
Sarah. It is a Hawaiian prayer called the ho -opono -pono. It is used for
reconciliation and forgiveness, but the literal definition is correction.
You simply use a mantra, and the mantra is simply this. I'm sorry.
Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.
I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.
I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.
You're welcome to say it as many times as you feel you need. There is no limit
There is power in the repetition Now you might say this totally feels and congruent
to me to say these words to someone who has hurt me When I'm a victim of
someone's physical or verbal or emotional assault How could I ever say I love you
to that person? How could I ever say I'm sorry to that And how could I ever say
please forgive me? I didn't do anything. Or how could I say thank you? But the
power is in the forgiveness of not just your oppressor, but for yourself in
harboring the negative feelings that continue to hurt or plague you. Yes,
the Ho 'oponopono prayer can be used to forgive yourself for being hurt, For being
in pain This mantra is intended to heal the one who says the prayer That's the
thing about forgiveness Forgiveness is energetic. It is what we need to practice to
free ourselves from the shackles of negativity When we harbor feelings of resentment
hurt illness or anger We're the ones who stay injured and damaged.
When we practice forgiveness, we free ourselves energetically from our own shackles.
Forgiveness is freedom. This is especially true for my overthinkers who might have a
tendency to ruminate on something in the past that is holding them back from their
much better future. So, if you're holding anger or resentment,
or you're feeling hurt or rejected by someone you loved, some place you worked,
someone who raised you, someone you were in a relationship with, I invite you to
try one or both of these practices. When you forgive yourself and others for
wrongdoings, you open yourself up to a world of healing. That healing might be
physical, it might be emotional, it might be mental. But that creates new
possibilities for you. And that's what this is all about.
It's about creating joy and about harnessing your own power, taking your power back
and quelling the overthinking brain. Okay Hey friends, I wanna thank you for
listening today. And I also wanna say how much I appreciate all the wonderful
comments and feedback I have received on this podcast. I so love getting your
emails, voicemails, texts, comments, I read every one of them,
I listen to every one of them, and it just so lights me up. And so if you're
feeling good about these episodes, I would love to hear from you. And if there's
anything else that you would like me to talk about on future podcasts, send me an
email through my website, leave a comment below, reach out to me through Instagram
or Facebook. I just love hearing from everybody and I so appreciate the support. So
I wish you a great week. I will see you next week and bye for now. If you wanna
learn more tips about managing your stress and how to manage your overthinking brain,
just go to my website and sign up for my weekly newsletter at jackiedecrinis.com
That's J -A -C -K -I -E -D -E -C -R -I -N -I -S dot com.
You can also follow me on Instagram at Jackie de Crinis. Bye for now. Thank you for
listening to this episode of Overthinker's Guide to Joy. If you like what was
offered in today's episode, I would love you to leave a review and subscribe or
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