You are listening to the Overthinkers Guide to Joy, episode 31. This week is the
one where I'm going to talk all about judgment. Let's dive in. This is a podcast
for overthinkers, overdoers, and overachievers who are tired of feeling overanxious and
just want to feel better. I'm your host, certified life coach Jackie de Crinis. Hey
there and Welcome back. So this week, I wanted to talk about something that's been
weighing very heavily on my mind for the last few weeks. As a coach, one of the
things that we're supposed to do is listen to our clients without judgment. And our
jobs are to listen to people's fears and regrets and securities, mistakes,
and help clients then set goals and achieve them by letting go of whatever baggage
came before their fears and their mistakes and all of the things. And not unlike a
therapist or priest or rabbi or best friend, the coaching space with a client is a
safe place. And it's one in which we actively listen, ask questions, and help our
clients find answers, solutions, or even just a new way of thinking about problems,
patterns, or issues that are current in their lives. Now, this is something I had
to be trained to learn and do. Not so much the listening part, but really holding
space and remaining neutral and curious and learning to ask the most helpful
questions while providing guidance. And it takes time and practice to practice non
-judgment, creating that safe container for people to explore all of these thoughts
and feelings. But like most people, when I step out of my professional role,
I still struggle to hold myself to that same standard of non -judgment.
Now look, judgment takes many names. Sometimes it's called gossip, sometimes it's a
lack of compassion, sometimes it's a lack of sympathy or empathy, and just sometimes
it's just old -fashioned judgment. You know, things like, can you believe he said
that, or can you believe she did that, or can you believe they wore that, or can
you believe they got that job? What does he see in her? What does she see in him?
I don't think she's that great, et cetera, et cetera. And look, We all have so
many opinions about so many different circumstances, whether it's friends, families,
neighbors, strangers, nemesis, bosses, colleagues. It's just natural to have a lot of
opinions about a lot of different things. The interesting thing is, as mothers,
we're always telling our teenage daughters not to pay attention or internalize the
mean girl comments at school. We remind them that their judgment is often rooted in
jealousy and insecurities of their own. And yet, as adults, we don't recognize our
own hypocrisy when we judge others. And I believe the stress of a two -year pandemic
created like a whole new level of judgment around the world. Our country became so
divided over the last two years on so many subjects, just being isolated from family
and friends and having conflicting news reports from everything from politics to
vaccines and mask mandates and just so many things. But it goes beyond just the two
years that we've been locked up in our houses because of the pandemic. Judgment of
others when someone is doing something that triggers you can happen in every facet
of life. And especially on even personal issues, it's just so easy to pass judgment
on someone you know who might be having an affair, or going through a bitter
divorce, or you have that friend who drinks too much but won't acknowledge there's a
problem, or someone might be consistently rude to you or make you feel marginalized,
or Sometimes we judge those we're envious of, you know, the people who have good
fortune, whether it's wealth or great jobs or tons of friends or they're beautiful
or whatever it is. So there's opportunity to judge at every turn on people we look
down upon and on those that we're jealous of. But here's the thing,
the results are all the same. It's all judgment. And while we think we might be
helping manage our feelings and our emotions, whether that's fears or hurt feelings,
there is research that shows that being judgmental of others can negatively affect
our own self -esteem more than any other outside force. So the theory is that while
you're critiquing others, you're actually critiquing yourself. And here's the kicker,
the more you judge others, the more you judge yourself. And by constantly seeing the
bad in others or the judgment in others, we're training our brains to find the bad
in everything. So When I was under a lot of stress in my old career,
I would often be very judgmental of my difficult bosses or my very difficult
producers, and I thought that if I could just unburden my thoughts and fears and
feelings, I would feel better. But the more I judged them, the more stress -related
symptoms I would experience. Like stiff necks and headaches, stomach aches,
my throat would tighten, and I would often feel short of breath. The gossip or the
judgment was not hurting my difficult boss, it was causing me to feel more
discomfort in my body because judgment leads to an increase in stress.
And stress can weaken the immune system, which causes, as you know a whole host of
things, ranging from high blood pressure to fatigue, depression, anxiety, and in some
very rare cases, stress can even cause a stroke. So what we can learn is that our
judgments mostly have to do with us, not the people we judge,
and the same is true when others judge us. In most cases, we judge others in order
to feel better about ourselves, because we're either lacking self -acceptance or self
-love or we're afraid of something. Now, is all judgment bad?
Absolutely not. Being judgmental is an essential survival trait to our own species.
We need to be able to distinguish between good and bad, right and wrong, and people
who should or shouldn't qualify as our friends or partners. It's one of those things
we've been hardwired to do and it's an important trait. The problem is it's when it
gets out of control. It's when we secretly judge friends, acquaintances,
relatives, colleagues, random people at the grocery store and so on. Because judging
becomes addictive and it basically just becomes a have it. So not only does judging
people often lead to gossip and we know gossip can lead to rumors and spreading
rumors and things getting out of control, but more importantly, it creates stress in
our own bodies and it has another side effect. Others may start to see you as
negative or they might start fearing that you're judging them too if you're very
busy judging everybody around them, and then people stop trusting you, and then that
can harm the healthy relationships that you do have. It's interesting, my father was
very rarely critical of people. I can only think of maybe a handful of people in
his whole life that he didn't really care for. He always saw the good in most
people, or he looked for the good in most people. And as a result, he had a
million friends and people just adored him. And I don't think this was even
conscious on his part. I think he was just wired that way. He genuinely loved
people, and he was always eager to get to know someone. And I think it made people
feel important and valued. And subsequently, it made people like him back.
So it was like this loop of just good nature because he was genuinely curious about
people and genuinely found something likable about everybody. So let me be crystal
clear here. No one is saying that you have to like everyone or be friends with
everyone. Your time is precious and by no means should you let toxic people take up
space in your life. But by the same token, if you can practice compassion in lieu
of judgment with those who trigger you or challenge you in some way, you might feel
that you feel freer. And sometimes it's as simple as just saying hello,
a friendly smile, or waving to acknowledge somebody. It can reduce the fear and the
tension around someone who may be previously judged or perhaps maybe has been
judgmental of you. Just recently, I have reengaged with four or five old
acquaintances that I had lost touch with. I had lost touch with them because of my
own judgment of them having different political opinions and also some negative things
that I had heard about them from the gossip mill, which I really had no business
indulging in because I didn't know those things about them. And I decided to simply
just be friendly to them again and neutral with no attachment to any other outcome,
not that we would be good friends, not that we would be intimate, but just to not
look at them with judgment and not to avoid them when I saw them at the store or
at a community event. And you know what I found? It was really lovely.
It was really nice to get reacquainted. It was really nice to chat with them. And
I think it was nice for them too. But I realized it was my judgment and my
thoughts that was creating that awkwardness at parties or community gatherings.
And it really had very little to do with them. So I was hurting myself by being
judgmental or allowing gossip to make me judgmental.
So in all of these cases, it was well received. And like I said, I have these
newfound acquaintanceships with them again. And I noticed I just feel better. So once
again, like everything I talk about on this podcast. It's not all or nothing.
And it's not about being perfect. And I'm never going to be perfect on this
subject. It is just about a practice. And it's not a one size fits all model.
Every situation, every person, every circumstance will be different. But when we clean
up our side of the street in terms of our own insecurities, doubts or fears,
sometimes we're more open to letting others into our space. And I love what Dr.
Wayne Dyer said about this in one of his books. When you judge another, you do not
define them, you define yourself. So thinking of being less judgmental as an act of
compassion or even self -compassion might just give you a new friend or reunite you
with an old friend and give you a new outlook on an otherwise uncomfortable chance
encounter. So once again, I wanna thank you for listening. I hope you have a great
week and I look forward to talking to you next time. Bye for now. Thank you for
listening to this episode of the Overthinkers Guide to Joy. If you're enjoying these
episodes, please subscribe or follow this podcast so you can always be in the know
when the next episode drops. If you would like to learn more about working with me
as a coach, you can connect with me through my website at jackiedecrinis.com. That's
J -A -C -K -I -E -D -E -C -R -I -N -I -S .com.
