You are listening to the Overthinker's Guide to Joy, episode 15. This week, we're
going to talk all about people pleasing. Let's dive in. Hey there,
you are listening to the Overthinker's Guide to Joy. This is a podcast for
overthinkers, overachievers, perfectionists, type A, stressed out,
anxious people who just want to calm down and feel better. I'm your host,
certified life coach Jackie be Crinis.
Hey there and welcome back. So this week I want to talk about a syndrome.
I want to call it people pleasing paralysis. Now I think everybody knows what a
people pleaser is and maybe even for you, this might resonate with you as a people
pleaser. Because this is something that I see almost consistently with virtually every
female client I have. Now, it's a gross generalization to say that only women are
people pleasers or that all women are people pleasers, it's not true. But I see it
especially in women. And I think historically it's because women were put in a
caretaking subservient role for most of history. And as women take their proper place
now in boardrooms and governments and entrepreneurial roles as international icons
entertainers, we are getting better, but there is still an overwhelming need for
people pleasing. So time and time again, like I said,
one of the things that I hear underneath even some of my most powerful clients, my
clients who are, you know, running studios or networks or executive producers of
television series or lawyers or doctors. There is this inherent fear of not being
liked. This people pleasing syndrome. And look,
is it great to get along with others? Of course it is. Is it great to think about
other people's feelings and be compassionate? Absolutely. But the problem or I should
say it becomes a problem when it's at the expense of our own happiness.
And that's oftentimes what this pattern, this people pleasing pattern, I don't know
how many times I can say that, right? I love the alliteration of people pleasing
pattern, people pleasing paralysis. Anyway, but this people pleasing pattern shows up
and it undermines our authority, our integrity and our joy.
So I had one client who used to or does run a dance studio and she was constantly
having to bend over backwards to accommodate her demanding dance moms. Her longtime
clients would often pay They negotiate their own price and always be threatening to
take their precious little daughters to another studio. Even though they had spent
more than a decade training with my client and she was truly the best in her area.
And yet she was so afraid of rocking the boat with any of her clients who
eventually became her friends just because they worked together so long. But she
couldn't even stand up for herself and she would let them take advantage of her,
her business, and it affected her self -esteem. She was always walking on eggshells
with them for fear that they would leave or that there would be group think. If
one mom or family left, then there would be a mass exodus for other girls and
families to leave. And so she had to tiptoe around what their needs were instead of
what was best for her business. And she noticed that that would show up in her
family life and in every other aspect of her life, because as we always say,
as we do one thing, we tend to do it in all facets of our life. And another
client told me that she would often lose her voice. She would develop sore throats
under time of stress, or she literally found her voice getting higher and higher
when she was needing something or asking for something. She came to discover that
she was repressing her emotions and wasn't speaking up for herself. So her voice or
throat would actually fail her. I had another client who in spite of a very high
level position always felt like she was the one who was forced to compromise her
creative vision and didn't get to run the show in the end. But by no means, like
I said, is people pleasing unique to women. I've had a handful of male clients and
colleagues who are also people -pleasers. Interestingly enough, they're often in
caretaker roles, either in the house or with children. This thrusts them into the
same patterns as their female counterparts, having to worry about children or their
spouse who works long hours, what to make for dinner? Is the laundry done? Did the
carpools get done? Do the kids have their soccer cleats? Did they remember their
water bottles? All of those things put us in these patterns of people pleasing
because as we're caretakers, we go into overdrive and then start extrapolating that
behavior, which is good and kind and necessary when you're a parent, but it shows
up in the workplace and it often shows up with friends to the point where we start
letting people walk all over us or take advantage of us or things like,
oh, you don't work, so can you pick up my kid or can you babysit or can you do
this or can you bring the muffins or can you do more for the bake sale? And they
become the de facto volunteer parent for everything simply because they're the stay
at home caregiver. So what are classic signs of a people pleaser?
Well, the first one is always hard time saying no. If you have a hard time saying
no, that is a good indicator you might be a people pleaser. I know because I have
a hard time saying no. Another one is always putting other people first,
being preoccupied with what other people think. And if you're a regular listener of
this podcast, then you're probably an overthinker. And if you're an overthinker,
you're probably preoccupied with what other people might think as well. Another one
is overextending yourself to others, like really going out of the way, not just
doing a favor for somebody who maybe is sick or has been in the hospital or they
got tied up at work, it's always doing and going the extra mile for others.
Pretending to agree with people, even when you feel differently, this is a big one.
Apologizing often. Even when you have nothing to apologize for, just the habit of
saying, "Oh, sorry, sorry, I'm late. "Sorry, I didn't get back to you. "Sorry,
sorry, sorry." That Habit is a people -pleasing habit. Another one is feeling
responsible for how other people feel. Neglecting your own needs. This usually comes
in the form of lacking self -care, not exercising, eating properly, getting enough
rest, needing praise to feel good, going to great lengths to avoid conflict,
not admitting when you're hurt for fear that other people will be upset, struggling
with low self -esteem. Now look, there's a difference between being subservient and
agreeable. Being able to get along with others in the workplace on a team or in a
community is really important, but not at the expense of losing yourself in the
group dynamic or even in an interpersonal friendship or relationship. People -pleasing
is not a mental disorder, but when it spirals out of control, it can often be
associated with depression, anxiety, and codependence. And people -pleasing is a learned
behavior, which means it can be unlearned too. So how do we stop this behavior or
syndrome? Well, the first thing is learning to say no. I know it's so hard.
I hate it. But the trick is practicing on small things. Pay attention to when
somebody asks you for a favor. If it's easy and you want to do it, by all means
do it. But learn to take a pause before jumping into every request.
If you know something's an absolute no, just say know. I know it's hard and you
think that they might judge you or not like you or it might hurt your friendship
or your status in the community. But you can also just say I don't think I'll be
able to but let me get back to you. So take a pause but come back and be in
touch with what you really need and it's okay to say no. Another one is to start
setting your boundaries. You don't have to be available 24 /7 and you don't have to
do something just because you're available. Here's another one, listen to your inner
voice. Last week I did a whole episode on your inner critic. Now there's a big
difference between your inner critic and your inner voice. Your inner voice is a
guiding light. It's your intuition. That gut feeling. You know the one we ignore all
too often. And not the one that comes with judgment. That's the critic. It's the
one that tells you the truth. Let your inner voice guide you about people.
And when you're overdoing too much. And also when you're in toxic relationships.
Another one is to avoid making excuses. You don't always have to have a reason for
not wanting to do something or not being able to do something Remember no is a
complete sentence
Practice self -care Go back and listen to the first four episodes of this podcast my
four essentials on daily self -care When you have good daily habits and practice self
-care you have a stronger constitution When you feel better about yourself.
You will attract like -minded people who will naturally connect to you. That's your
tribe. So by taking better care of yourself, you will inadvertently be attracting a
better tribe to yourself. More like -minded people, more considerate people,
people who have a natural exchange of wanting to help others and do for others in
the same way you do, but not out of guilt or obligation or fear. Start asking for
help. I had a therapist tell me years ago that by always being willing to do
everything myself and never asking for help, people tended to not do things for me
when I asked, simply because they weren't used to hearing me ask for help. I had
to learn how to ask for things, Sometimes big, sometimes small, but by willing to
have people be uncomfortable or annoyed or even say no to me was a big lesson and
I couldn't let that stop me from asking for help when I needed it. So here's
another. Make yourself happy. What do you like to do?
If you've been people pleasing your whole life, You may have lost yourself in others
and really never cultivated this skill You may be so accustomed to always serving
others that you have no idea what makes you happy and this is Very true for long
-term marriages, particularly if there was a habit of codependence or if you were a
stay -at -home mom and Then suddenly became an empty nester but had really no life
outside your children This can happen if you were a workaholic and worked for a
very demanding company or a demanding boss, where you just worked all the time and
didn't even cultivate your own personal desires or skills. So finding a hobby,
taking up a sport, taking a class, joining a new group with people with common
interests, these can all help cultivate your sense of self and joy. People pleasing
can be very closely related to perfectionism and it's not about being liked or being
judged, it's about wanting to be perceived a certain way to compensate for our own
self -doubt. There's nothing wrong with wanting to help others and be kind,
but getting in touch with what you genuinely want to do and who you want to do it
for is very different than just saying yes to everything and becoming a doormat to
others. Look, I'm not suggesting that changing this character trait is an easy one,
but changing this habit can incrementally free you up from your overthinking brain.
It can make more time for things that you truly love. This is going to be another
lifetime practice, And it's going to be uncomfortable at first, but you are going to
be so much happier and your self -esteem is going to grow exponentially as a result
of this. So let's start small. Try practicing three simple things today.
Practice saying no to something that you don't want to do or you don't have time
to do it. Pause before you commit to saying yes to something today, and make sure
that you do have the time or desire to do it. And then ask for help where you
need it. And be okay if someone says no or rolls their eyes, but get in the habit
of asking your kids to set the dining room table or asking your husband to take
out the trash or asking somebody who's on their way home to stop for that quart of
milk instead of going out again for the third errand of the day. Just get
accustomed to asking. And it's so difficult because we don't want to impose on
anybody. We don't want to be burdened. But part of getting help for the big things
when you really need it is the practice of asking for the small things and being
okay with whatever the answer is. And being okay with somebody being inconvenienced a
little bit. So try doing this every day for a week and see what happens.
Let's say goodbye to the people pleaser in you and say hello to the newly empowered
you. Why? Because you deserve it. So we're only asking you to start small and do
these three things every day and just see how it feels. Just take notice of all
the times that your inclination is to just go with the flow, be agreeable,
swallow your opinion and say yes when you really want to say no.
Just pay attention to it and see how it feels in your body when you start being
more authentic and true to yourself. Alright guys, thanks for listening. I look
forward to seeing you next week. Have a great week and bye for now. If you want
to learn more tips about managing your stress and how to manage your overthinking
brain, just go to my website and sign up for my weekly newsletter at jackiedecrinis.com
That's J -A -C -K -I -E -D -E -C -R -I -N -I -S .com.
You can Also follow me on Instagram at Jackie de Crinis. Bye for now. Thank you for
listening to this episode of Overthinkers Guide to Joy. If you like what was offered
in today's episode, I would love you to leave a review and subscribe or follow
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