You are listening to the Overthinker's Guide to Joy, episode 36. This is the one
where we're going to talk all about how the pandemic affected our relationships.
Let's dive in. This is a podcast for overthinkers, overdoers,
and overachievers who are tired of feeling over anxious and just want to feel
better. I'm your host certified life coach, Jackie de Crinis. Hey there,
and welcome back. So if you're listening to this in real time, it's May of 2022,
and it's spring, and much of the world is returning to post -pandemic life.
That is, the workplace, people are starting to travel again, going to sporting
events, attend concerts, and socialize. But after two -plus years of social distancing
and working from home and wearing masks, it seems like many of us have forgotten
how to socialize, how to attend parties, how to reconnect to old friends and family.
Well, the circumstances are different for everyone. I just keep hearing how things
feel different. Those who were not dating during the pandemic find it strange to
suddenly start dating again or try to start dating again. Those who are introverts
and enjoyed the excuse of being able to stay home during the pandemic no longer
have that easy opt out. Many people who are still concerned about COVID variants
worry about large gatherings indoors, and other people have just become very
accustomed to working from home and are nervous about returning to an indoor office
40 hours a week giving up the convenience of not commuting having to get dressed
every day in actual clothes not just sweatpants and yoga pants having to put on and
wear actual shoes all day but everyone is going through some kind of adjustment
again and the one thing I keep hearing is that some people feel that friendships
have changed too. I've heard this from both friends and clients, both men and women.
And as they start to reconnect to old friends, in many cases, they feel there's a
disconnect. And they're left wondering, has my friend changed, or have I changed?
And is this a result of having been isolated or antisocial for two years. I have a
number of clients who have been struggling with specifically the issue of reconnecting
to old friends. When they were finally able to reunite or hang out again, they felt
the conversations were kind of stilted or one -sided. They felt they were very
inquisitive and interested in what was going on with their friends, but in more than
one case, their friends didn't seem to ask them any questions back. And when they
did, they seemed distracted or bored by their answers. And one of my clients said
they spent hours hanging out with an old friend, and it wasn't until they were
getting ready to say goodbye that the friend said, "Oh yeah, tell me about you."
And then proceeded to start looking at their phone while they were talking. Another
client said that some friends took her out for her birthday lunch, but she felt
like an outsider at her own party. No one had asked her about her new career or
what was even going on with her, and in both cases, the clients realized they had
been the one to ask all the questions. And over the last few years, my particular
clients have had all this personal and professional growth, and it became apparent
that their "old friends" were not that interested in their newly evolved lives. So,
this question has come up a lot lately in sessions. How do we handle the
disappointment or the awkwardness of feeling disconnected from an old friend when we
finally get the opportunity to reunite? Well, it goes back to using that coaching
tool that I introduced a few episodes ago in the episode called Learning to Reframe
Your Thoughts. You can allow the stance of your friend to conjure up all kinds of
negative thoughts in your mind about yourself. You might start to think I must not
be that interesting or I must not be a good storyteller. They must not really like
me. I must have done something to offend them. I must be boring. That's always a
dangerous thought. Those thoughts lead to a whole host of feelings in your body like
insecurity, rejection, embarrassment, maybe even resentment. But then what happens is
we naturally react to those feelings and those thoughts. We stop talking.
We might avoid other social interactions. We retreat. Maybe we act defensive or feel
awkward. Maybe we get tongue twisted in trying to explain something. And then the
tendency when that happens because it's like a snowball effect is we just want to
get small and disappear and dim our light. The result we feel insecure,
disconnected, we question ourselves, we question our value and you know what? We
become awkward and boring because we stay small and we start to second guess
ourselves. Yes, our thoughts create our results. So how do we turn this around?
How do we reframe this? Well, we run the model again. The circumstance remains the
same. Your old friend, what are your alternative thoughts that you can think when
you have an engagement with them? And it doesn't feel like a great ping pong match.
It doesn't feel like a dialogue. It feels like a monologue. It feels like you're
being talked at. Well, here's some things you can think about. Maybe they're
struggling with something to have monopolized this entire conversation. Maybe they
don't ask about my new venture or business because perhaps something about my work
makes them feel insecure. Maybe through two years of relative isolation,
we're all just trying to figure out who we are in a post -pandemic world. Maybe
they're just doing their best. Now, you could also think, "I have a choice to
address this with them." I mean, if you're close enough friends, maybe you can bring
this up. Maybe not during the dialogue or monologue, but maybe later at another
point. Or if it keeps happening, or they don't want to talk about it, or they're
offended that you would even suggest that they're having a monologue every time they
see you, Maybe you can choose to spend less time with them. You can think, maybe
we've grown apart, but I can still be friendly with them when I see them. It
doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing. But then you show up with feelings of
compassion for them, curiosity, and detachment. 'Cause maybe we're all coming out of
this post -pandemic world with too much attachment to a perfect reconnection to an
old friend. So what actions do we take when we feel compassionate or curious or
detached? Well, hopefully we're more patient with them and with ourselves. Maybe we
decide whether the relationship is worth saving, like I said, talking to them about
it. Or maybe you just create more space for yourself. But whatever you do in this
circumstance, don't let it dim your light. Show up as your best self.
If you're excited about a new business venture or a romantic relationship you're
having or a great trip you just had, show up with that light. Show up with that
energy. Always bring that energy with you, whether or not you're asked about it or
talk about it. You can still own it. You can still own it. It can still be part
of you. But don't give away your power based on someone else's interest or
validation of your stories. If your former relationships don't support your growth,
find someone who can exchange your thoughts and ideas with. Find people with common
interests who are happy to exchange that positive energy and those common interests.
Your result will be one of two things. When you reframe how you look at your
former old relationships, whether it's a disconnect, a reconnect, or just something
feels amiss, you'll either reconnect with them because you will show up strong with
powerful light and you'll be like a magnet. Or if that's too threatening for them
or something has changed in your relationship, then you will create new friends that
reflect your new self. I understand that old friends that have grown apart can often
feel like a divorce. A close relationship can be as intimate as a lover or as
bonded as a sibling. And it's stressful when we feel like we've had a falling out
with a dear friend. or even worse, when we don't know the reason for someone being
inconsiderate or detached from us. But we can overcome it. And we do that by
reconnecting with ourselves first. As we say, clean up your side of the street by
practicing good self -care and self -compassion. Take pride in how you're managing your
life. If you're taking good care of yourself, then chances are you will attract
people who also do the same. And you don't have to be perfect and it doesn't have
to be perfect. You just need to be practicing the best version of yourself. And
when you start practicing that, you will attract the right people in your life.
Relationships are always a two -way street. But if you're feeling like you're
experiencing a one -way street dynamic with a friend, then it's up to you to check
in with your needs and your thoughts and your actions first and go from there.
Before you judge someone else's behavior, ask yourself these questions. Have I shown
up with integrity? Do I respond to their invitations in a timely fashion? Do I
invite them to do things too? Do I listen with intention when I'm asking them the
question. Am I coming full of judgment about their actions or lifestyles,
or am I showing up with neutrality? And the last question is,
are you attached to how they treat you? In other words, do you need them to be
interested in your stories? Do you need them to be interested in your vocation or
your love life to feel validated? Because that may be too much to ask.
Now, I'm not saying you have to tolerate somebody ignoring you or not taking
interest in you. But notice that when you're less attached to the outcome, there
might be a better flow of that relationship too. But if you feel like you're
showing up with integrity, that's all you can do. You can't control how they behave.
You can't control how they think you can't control what they do. Be your best self
and don't give away your power and definitely don't dim your light.
We wanna make sure that we're always growing and evolving and if somebody isn't
going to grow or evolve with us, then we can simply be grateful for the time that
we've had in that relationship. But just remember, everybody is struggling with
something. So stay curious, be compassionate, and no matter what,
shine bright and surround yourself with people who lift you up and not with people
who bring you down. Someone is waiting to connect with you. Go find them and go
support each other. Alright friends, I look forward to talking to you next time.
I hope you have a great week and bye for now. Thank you for listening to this
episode of The Overthinker's Guide to Joy. If you're enjoying these episodes, please
subscribe or follow this podcast so you can always be in the know when the next
episode drops. If you would like to learn more about working with me as a coach,
you can connect with me through my website at jackiedecrinis.com. That's J -A -C -K -I
-E -D -E -C -R I -N -I -S .com
