You are listening to the "Overthinkers Guide to Joy" episode 44. This is the one
we're going to talk about enabling. Are you enabling somebody? Are you an enabler?
Are you being enabled? We're going to look at all the things and dive deep.
Let's jump in. This is a podcast for overthinkers, overdoers, and overachievers who
are tired of feeling over anxious and just want to feel better. I'm your host
certified life coach, Jackie de Crinis. Hey there and welcome back.
Today, we're going to talk about a subject that a lot of people can relate to. And
it's a topic that has come up several times over the last few weeks in various
sessions and over the years. And the interesting thing is how many different faces
it has. The subject is enabling. Now at first blush you might go to the definition
that is most often associated with this word. Enabling as in indulging someone's
habit or addiction. Now whether that's enabling a drinking habit, a drug habit,
a smoking habit, overeating sex, gambling, whatever, the common association with
enabling is addiction. And times we get into relationships and we don't know our
partners have a habit or an addiction. It might not exist at all at the beginning
of the relationship or it might not be a problem until it is. And then as much as
we see it hurting them or hurting our relationship, we realize it's easier at times
to indulge it rather than fight it. Now, when it comes to addiction, the attic gets
very skillful at hiding it and making it look less serious than it is or in some
case making it seem like they function better with it. So we kind of learn to
accept it and perhaps enable the overdrinking or overeating or whatever the addiction
is. We see how "happy" it makes our partners or our loved ones and while they're
engaging in it, it seems that way, so we start to fool ourselves about how much
damage it might be really doing. And we become a willing participant in pouring them
a drink to take the edge off, or baking them cookies to make them happy even
though we know they're trying to lose weight, or telling them it's fine to go to
Vegas for the weekend with friends but we know there's a gambling problem. And we
start leaving their excuses or their stories 'cause they sound so reasonable.
Things like, well, everyone does it or it's not a big deal. I could totally quit
at any time. I don't need it, it's just fun. It takes the edge off.
It helps me relax. I deserve it. I don't stop you from doing things that make you
happy, I'm not hurting anyone. It's legal. It's a free country.
I'm an adult. And there are so many other versions of these rationalizations and
justifications. And that's why we're willing to believe them too. We go along with
it. We forgive it. We indulge it. We pretend it doesn't bother us. And this is
kind of enabling in its most classic form. Something we care about has an addiction
and we ignore it or unwittingly contribute to it to keep the peace.
But that's not the only type of enabling. That's just the most common one we
associate the word with. But enabling can describe any situation where you quote help
by trying to hide the problems or problem or by making it go away.
I have had so many clients struggle with enabling their young adult children. In all
the cases, the children were very bright and generally either creatively gifted or
academically gifted. So when they were young children, there was usually some
diagnosis of emotional issues. Everything ranging from OCD to ADHD to anxiety and /or
even depression. But because the kids were standout, either with high IQs or really
gifted creatively, they had their kids focus on their academics or their creative
outlet, if that was music or theater or whatever, and told them not to worry about
anything else, meaning As long as they got good grades or focused on their quote
talent, their parent excused them from kind of living the rest of their life.
What does that mean? What does that look like? Well, in most cases, it means they
weren't expected to do household chores or maintain a part -time job or even get a
summer job. They didn't need to learn to manage their own money. In other words,
all the adulting was done by their parents, which is appropriate to a certain age,
but they didn't insist that they grow within to that adult. So they kind of left
him in the arrested development stage and just said, "Just worry about school or
just worry about your art." Now, for some, this resulted in their children getting
into very prestigious colleges or art schools or what have you. But when they
graduated, they were not equipped to deal with the real world. And then the parents,
my clients, are then paying sort of the price in every way for that. Because their
children's emotional disorders got worse. Academia or,
you know, whatever school they were in, gave them a container to channel their
issues. But when that was over the world was a big scary place and since many of
them didn't have life skills that is living on a budget or paying bills on time or
cooking or cleaning or being willing to work a 40 hour a week job with deadlines
they were constantly calling their parents with a meltdown or they were self
-medicating with alcohol marijuana and a whole host of prescribed prescription drugs
from their various psychiatrists and the parents were scratching their heads. Where
did we go wrong? We gave them everything. Unconditional love, a nice home, a great
education, etc. How did my highly intelligent or highly gifted child become such a
dysfunctional young adult? And the answer goes back to the same theme. They enabled
them. Now by offering to do everything for them, pay for everything,
avoiding the hard conversations about things like rules and structure, chores, and
especially by ignoring a financial education, they failed to give their little
geniuses a roadmap for life. Now, while they were doing a lot of good things,
providing a home on conditional love, education, etc., they failed to give them the
one thing they needed the most, which was boundaries, to allow them to stand on
their own two feet. Now, as parents, it's often our own wounds,
our own childhood traumas that influence how we raise our own children,
because we wanna protect our children from feeling the way we felt, that feeling of
being neglected, or left out, or stressed, humiliated, or even failing. We think that
if we can shelter our children from all those growing pains, we're doing them a
great service. But we're not. We're hindering their growth, we're hindering their
maturity, and we're hindering their independence. We're technically spoiling them.
I mean, whether we do it with money or not, or gifts or not, we're spoiling them
by not teaching them. It's okay to feel discomfort. It's okay to fail because we
all have to learn to self -soothe. And if you don't have the opportunity to suffer
some humiliation or failure or embarrassment, we never learn to grow.
So, of course, we're always going to be there for them on some level, emotionally
and financially and logistically. But when we do it all for them, when we make it
all so easy and cushy, we're robbing them of that independence under the guise of
protecting them from suffering. But it's a fallacy because we're perpetuating their
suffering by not teaching them to be self -reliant. It reminds me of when our kids
are little with sleep training. When we teach our children to fall asleep on their
own at an early age, which for anybody who's ever done this, they used to call it
"furberizing," where you, and I think at a certain point, you just close the door
and put them in their crib and you let them cry it out. And it usually lasts one
to three nights of this. And it is the most painful, excruciating thing to do
because you think your child is suffering and you feel like a terrible parent and
the screaming feels relentless and whether it lasts one minute or two hours, it
feels like two days that you're listening to your child's cry and scream. But once
they get ferberized, once they learn to self -soothe and fall asleep on their own at
night, they are liberated and you are liberated because it takes all the drama of
bedtime out. And they learn that they can, when they get older, have sleepovers at
friends' houses or go away to sleepaway camp with confidence, or even when they go
to college or move out of the house, they have the confidence they know how to
fall asleep on their own. And believe it or not, the longer that's perpetuated,
oftentimes it creates a lot of anxiety for children, not just at night, but also
during the day. So sleep training, again, is something not every parent does,
but it is an option, it is a choice, and some pediatricians believe in it, and
it's the beginning of teaching your children independence. So it's no different with
learning to manage money or your own emotional roller coaster, learning to self
-soothe and manage your own finances and your own logistics, make us feel more
empowered and gives us more agency in the world. So whether or not we're enabling
somebody for an addiction or we are unconsciously enabling our children by doing
everything for them, the result is the same. We have a relationship with somebody
that we are continuing to handicap at our own expense and it theirs, but the
patterns are not always that obvious. So here's some classic traits that you might
want to examine, whether or not you're enabling an addict or a dependent adult
child, they're very similar, ignoring or tolerating problematic behavior.
This is when the person has denied it in the past or gets defensive and you're
fearful that if you bring it up again, it will create friction. so you just pretend
it's not a problem. Another one is providing financial assistance. And again,
this is very common with substance abusers, but it can also be the problem itself
when it comes to cutting the cord for dependent children. Another one is covering
for them or making excuses. And this is often out of fear that the person you're
enabling will be judged or that you'll be judged. So we get on that bandwagon of
excuses. Another one is taking on more of your share of responsibilities to cover
for them. So again, whether that's financial responsibilities or work responsibilities
or chores or whatever, that's typical of enabling. Another one is brushing things
off. This usually comes when you're being disrespected by that person or taken
advantage of it might show up in tolerating how they treat you speak to you and
again only you will know but you know when you're tolerating behavior that you
wouldn't tolerate from somebody else another one is denying the problem you start to
believe their excuses another one is sacrificing or struggling to recognize your own
needs. You're working harder than you have to. You're ignoring your own self -care in
order to help them. You're not following through on consequences. This is a big one
with parents and children of any age. Empty threats become very obvious when there's
no follow -through. But this is also true with adults in adult relationships with
addicts. You say you're going to do something if they continue the behavior, but
then you don't do it. And usually they're very smart and clever about it and learn
to manipulate the fact that there's no follow -through on the consequences. Another
one is not maintaining your specified boundaries. Whether this is avoiding a loved
one when they're intoxicated after telling them you won't tolerate the substance
abuse, or even telling your adult child, "I'm not going to continue bailing you out
of financial debt. These are tied together, not following through on consequences, but
also not maintaining your specified boundaries. And the last one is just feeling
resentful. The pattern continues and you start resenting them. And eventually you
start resenting yourself for perpetuating this cycle. So those are the traits,
those are the kind of the common denominators, but how do we stop it? How do we
stop enabling? Well, there's a long list of things you can do, but the top six are
these. One, bring attention to the issue. Make it clear that you're aware there's a
problem, be compassionate, and be willing to work towards a change. Number two,
encourage them to get help. If it's a substance abuse or a dangerous addiction, then
a 12 -step program or an expert in addiction is key. If it is more of an issue of
self -esteem or emotional problems or just financial dependence, then a therapist or
coach might be beneficial. The third one is set your boundaries and uphold them.
Tell them what you are willing and not willing to do going forward. Number Four is
to remember it's okay to say no, and it's really hard to say no,
particularly if that has not been your go -to. But just remember it is a gift for
both of you. Number five, get support, whether it's through therapy or coaching for
yourself, not just for the addict or the person who's dependent on you. And number
six, self care. You cannot control or change others. That's an important part of
this, is not expecting the other person to change. You can only control yourself and
your reaction to them. But by taking care of yourself, you are better equipped to
handle the journey. Look, the truth is, there's a little bit of enabler in all of
us. Women and mothers tend to fall into these patterns more often than men because
society has perpetuated this role for us as the caretaker, but anyone is capable of
falling prey to this pattern. No matter how long this pattern has existed in your
life, just remember it is never too late to make a change. When it comes from a
place of love and self -love, the path will appear. All right,
friends, that's what I have for you today. I thank you for listening and as always,
I wish you a great week and I'll see you next time. Bye for now. Thank you for
listening to this episode of The Overthinker's Guide to Joy. If you're enjoying these
episodes, please subscribe or follow this podcast so you can always be in the know
when the next episode drops. If you would like to learn more about working with me
as a coach, you can connect with me through my website at jackiedecrinis.com. That's
J -A -C -K -I -E -D -E -C -R -I -N -I -S .com.
