You are listening to the Overthinkers Guide to Joy, episode 53. This is the one
where I'm going to be talking all about empty nesting. I'm going through it and I'm
going to give you all of my practical tips and tricks how to navigate in case you
might be too. Let's dive in. This is a podcast for over thinkers,
overdoers and overachievers who are tired of feeling over anxious and just want to
feel better. I'm your host, certified life coach, Jackie de Crinis.
Hey there, and welcome back. So the last couple of weeks have been very interesting
for me. I have been very busy nesting. This is a concept that I didn't even
realize existed later in life because I remember it quite well when my kids were
about to be born, and I was very busy then nesting for the baby birds to come
into the house. And for those of you who have never had a baby or those of you
aren't familiar with the term, nesting just means cleaning, organizing, and tidying up
for the anticipation for a new baby to arrive. But it turns out that that instinct
to nest is not just for a baby to come. That instinct can sometimes show up later
in life when the baby birds leave the nest. And that's what I'm going through.
Because for the first time in 28 years, I am an empty nester.
And in spite of thinking that I have processed all the feelings, because I was very
proud and excited that my daughter graduated high school and was off to college, and
I've done this twice before. Therefore, There is something very profound about the
empty nest experience. It really can hit you from the back of the head and knock
you off your feet. And my particular emotions have manifested in this,
again, instinct of needing to nest, needing to organize tidy and clean.
So while she was busy packing her bags and figuring out what she wanted to order
from Target and Amazon for her dorm room. I was busy Cleaning the house and
ordering new living room furniture and throwing out bags and bags of stuff and
clutter and junk So when it finally came time to dropping her off at college and
moving her into her dorm I think we all felt a little nervous. I mean, there had
been so much anticipation for the entire summer of what's it going to be like for
her and for us and what will the school be like and what will the dorm be like
and what will the new roommate be like. And I think we were all very just excited
and nervous about the adventure. And I was very purposely hands off in the process
of her planning her college life. I mean, other than, yes, I wanted her to go. She
decided where to apply. She decided which school she wanted to go to. She did all
her own applications. She, of course, did her own essay. It was very much her own
business. And same for setting up her dorm. You know, I know a lot of moms get
involved in like, what's the decor look like? And let me order this for you. And
she did it all. She figured it all out. But somehow when we got to the dorm room,
I felt this compelling need to want to organize it all for her. I wanted to wash
the linens the night before, I wanted to put away her clothes in an organized
fashion, I wanted to maximize her space and organize her desk, and I found myself
wanting to nest all over again. And after I made her bed and sort of helped her
unpack a few boxes, she looked at me in a very stern but loving way and said,
I'll take care of it from here. I'll organize it the way it makes sense for me.
And I was like, oh, but don't you want my help? And she was like, no, I'm good.
And the thing is she's not a neat -nick like I am. She's more of a typical
teenager. She doesn't mind a little chaos and she doesn't mind when things aren't
perfectly logical or hyper organized. I find comfort in those things. I find comfort
in organization and logic. She finds comfort in doing things her own way. So I had
to remind myself, this is what I wanted as a parent. I wanted her,
just like her sisters, to be independent. I wanted her to be self -directed,
and I want her to go to college. This is why I worked so hard emotionally and
physically and financially. That's what parents want. We want to create independence
and we want to create a feeling of security within themselves so that they do feel
confident to make their own decisions and organize their lives and start that next
chapter. But the weird thing was after I was kind of gently kicked out of her dorm
room because she no and needed me. I felt a little rudderless. So my husband and
I, we walked around the campus and then went around the college town and then went
back to our hotel room and just hung out until the welcome aboard family dinner
event. And the whole thing felt kind of oddly anticlimactic and a little bit
unnerving. Now, I guess the alternative was she could have been very sad and very
clingy and very needy, and that wouldn't have been better. That would have been
much, much worse. But when we got to the dinner event, we sat with a couple of
other parents that we had met, and they said the same thing. Most of their kids
waved them off early to get settled with their roommates or to go off to their
freshman activities. And a couple of the parents said, well, we were still needed
because they wanted to go back to Target to pick up a few things. One of the dads
we sat with was actually driving home that night and he lived about four or five
hours away. And his son came over to say goodbye to him at the dinner and then
asked for his Netflix password, which made us all laugh. And they hugged and said,
"You know, I love you to each other." And it was like the sweetest moment. And I
noticed when the kid walked away, the father hadn't given him his password yet. And
I said, Did you do that intentionally or did you just forget?" He joked, "Oh no, I
totally did that intentionally because it guarantees he has to talk to me at least
one more time in the next 24 hours." So we all laughed about it, but there's a
little bit of truth to that. It's like they're 18 years old and they're away from
home and they're freshmen. And the truth is that they won't call us probably unless
they need something. And my children have been like that since you know,
kindergarten. They were very much independent and ready to start whatever chapter of
their life they were in. They were this way when they went to summer camp. And all
three of them at different times in their lives moved into their college dorms
without shedding a tear or even looking back. So while it's not my first rodeo by
sending a kid off to This empty nest chapter is totally uncharted territory for me
and Whether you're a stay -at -home parent or a working parent or a parent who works
from home I think you're just always thinking about your kids when they're under
your roof But it's the little things. It's like checking in on them before they go
to sleep or Just saying good night to them before you go to sleep or telling them
to drive safely before they leave the house or always checking to see if they're
hungry before they go off to school or when they get home from school or in my
case always reminding them to bring a jacket or a sweatshirt just in case it gets
cold and since we live in Hawaii and it's rarely cold this was often met with a
lot of teenage eye rolling but I still said it anyway because it's ingrained in us
it's just a habit So, when we had returned home from dropping her off, I noticed
how truly quiet the house was this time. And that quiet gave way to a whole host
of emotions, kind of a mixed bag of gratitude and excitement, but mostly nostalgia
and melancholy. And while I'm trying really hard not to call her or text her too
much because I actually want her to be focused on connecting into her school and
making new friends and creating a new chapter of her life. I must say that I was
really relieved when she called us over the weekend and told us she had a great
first week. And in that moment, I felt happy and I felt relieved and I felt proud.
And then I felt myself needing to go back to nesting. So this time I took to
tackling her room and there was just like a treasure trove of junk, dozens of empty
shoe boxes and dried out art supplies from, I think, dating back to her elementary
school days, and a closet filled with old sports equipment that was either worn out
or broken or didn't fit, and endless bags. I don't know what it is about teenage
girls with bags, but there were empty shopping bags, beach bags, makeup bags,
overnight bags, volleyball bags, as bags, bags, just tons of stuff that needed to be
consolidated or thrown out or donated. And that's what I spent the next day doing.
So I realized that the nesting process is really a coping mechanism and an instinct.
And the truth is, it can be very healing, not just because children are arriving in
the nest or leaving the nest, But just the decluttering process in general is good
for any life transition, whether it's birth or death or marriage or divorce or even
a job change or career change. Now, I know a lot of you may struggle with where
do I start decluttering and I would recommend if it doesn't come naturally to you,
ask a friend to help you or hire a professional to help you. Just having somebody
there as a companion can be both emotionally soothing, but it can also kind of
lessen the anxiety about where do I begin, where do I end. So the funny thing is,
when my daughter left for college, I gave her a few pieces of advice. I said,
join a club or a group to make friends. Stay physically active. Take at least one
class just because it interests you. practice daily self -care, and have fun.
I probably should have said study hard, but I think my husband probably told her
that like a hundred times, so I didn't need to repeat it. But those five
recommendations would probably be the same advice I would give to a client if they
were an empty nester. So it's time to take my own advice. But whether you're going
through empty nesting or another transition in life, the same advice applies. Join a
club or a group to make new friends. Stay physically active. Take a class,
practice self -care, and have fun. All right, friends, that is all I have for you
today. I hope you have a great week and whatever you're going through, I hope this
episode made it a little bit year. I look forward to talking to you next time and
bye for now.
