Ep #108: Navigating Adult Friendships

You are listening to the Overthinkers Guide to Joy, episode 108. This is the one
where we're going to talk about navigating the ups and downs of adult friendships.
Let's dive in.
This is a podcast for overthinkers, overdoers, and overachievers who are tired of
feeling over anxious and just want to feel better. I'm your host, certified life
coach, Jackie de Crinis.
Hey there and welcome back. I thought I would talk about a topic that has been
coming up a lot lately, not only in my professional sessions, but just in my
personal conversations with friends. And that's the subject of adult relationships.
Now, adult relationships often include romantic ones, but this episode is not about
those kinds of relationships. I'm talking about adult friendships, the ones that we
make and sometimes break as we reach different chapters in our adult life.
For women, adult friendships can often be as complicated as they were during the
mean girl years of high school. Many of the challenges for midlife women have to do
with significant life changes or major life transitions, like getting married,
becoming a parent, divorce, or even career shifts. Now this can create an obvious or
sometimes not so obvious strain on their girlfriends or their relationship with their
girlfriends.
Studies indicate that women in particular are more likely to see their friendships
change due to these kinds of shifts. Friendships may naturally drift apart as
priorities change, or there can be tension when one friend perceives the other as
less available or less understanding. For example, if you get married,
you tend to gravitate to other couples because it's easier to maintain friendships
when your spouse is included and then you create or have "couple friends." Now this
doesn't preclude married people or coupled people from having single friends or
maintaining friendships with single people. It just sometimes pulls people in different
directions. But then there's the next chapter for some couples about when they decide
to have or not have children. This can also strain female relationships because once
you have babies, toddlers, and children, your life starts to revolve around their
needs. What keeps them entertained? Who can they play with? And their endless list
of activities like play dates, birthday parties, sporting events, school functions. So
once again, your social life might shift toward spending time with other families
with children of a similar age. But suddenly, or not so suddenly, those children are
flown and grown. And now you're an empty nester. And if that all coincides with
other families you've raised your children with, those same couples might start
spending time together doing adult things, like dinner parties and travel,
leisure activities, et cetera, celebrating their empty nesting as couples. But that's
assuming that all those couples are still married, have children leaving the nest at
the same time, and that their socioeconomic situation is of equal caliber to have
the same recreational activities. Because if one person's done really well in business
and they fly first class or private, or they have a yacht or a boat or a summer
house in the Hamptons and you're struggling, you know, living in an apartment in the
city and trying to make ends meet, it may not be apples to apples in terms of the
same kind of friendship that you once had. So socioeconomics can play a big role
too. The other thing is that when couples both work or when couples have a
traditional stay -at -home mom or stay -at -home dad, that can also strain female
relationships because a woman who's out of the house working 40, 50, 60 hours a
week may not relate as much to the mom who hosts all the play dates and bakes the
cookies for the bake sale and is the volunteer in the class and has a lot more
free time to interact with the other moms.
So sometimes stay -at -home moms will bond during their child's rearing years and then
a woman might decide to pursue a career after her children have grown either by
going back to work or maybe back to school to earn a degree and then start a
career and suddenly those empty nesters who all raise their children together now
some of those women are ladies of leisure or ladies who lunch, and the others are
just starting a whole new chapter of their life, which can create enormous riff in
a friendship, even if it's just unspoken. They just may not relate to the mom who
wants to go back to school or start a new career when they have a 20 plus year
history as best friends who can basically hang out and have a certain expectation
and a certain rhythm together. So that woman pursuing that new educational path or
career path might now lack a commonality with her closest friends.
And then their interests might be suddenly very different. And then there's the issue
in midlife when a woman or a man juggles responsibilities for children, partners,
and aging parents with or without a career, the stress of these roles can leave
less energy for maintaining really fruitful friendships. According to a study from the
AARP, about 45 % women aged 45 to 65 reported feeling lonely sometimes if not often.
Now this loneliness might contribute to abandonment or frustration with friends who
aren't present when needed. And let's throw menopause into the mix. I mean,
because that's a very real biochemical rollercoaster,
where women who are either perimenopausal or menopausal go through a range of
emotions almost unrecognizable to themselves, where they suddenly don't trust friends,
or they don't trust their spouse, or they're feeling unmoored by the changes in
their body, their sleep cycles, their eating habits. So that can also contribute to
suddenly having inexplicable rifts with friends. So women are often socialized to
provide emotional support to those around them, Which creates high emotional
expectations and friendships When these expectations aren't met Either one friend feels
unsupported or overly burdened it can lead to feelings of resentment and eventually
causes friendships to break down Many women feel pressured to be the quote perfect
friend always available and always giving But this dynamic, if not reciprocated,
can build up frustration, and if one person consistently feels taken advantage of,
or like they're doing all the emotional heavy lifting, it can lead to a falling
out.
And then there's social media. A study from the University of Pittsburgh found that
higher social media usage is linked to feelings of social isolation. So,
women who often use social media to maintain connections may feel more left out or
envious when they see others hanging out without them, leading to feelings of
exclusion that mirror those high school dynamics.
And then there's miscommunication, jealousy, or assumptions about the quality of the
friendship that can quickly arise from these perceived slights,
and then there's something known as silent competition. Sometimes long -term friendships
may fall apart because of unspoken competition. This can be about career success,
marriage, parenting, at once again socioeconomic status, or even just physical
appearance. While teenage girls may have overt fights about some of these things,
adult women might just walk away quietly instead, thus the silent competition.
Women are notorious for avoiding difficult conversations because most women tend to be
conflict averse. A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships
found that Women are more likely to value relational harmony and may avoid conflict
leading to those unresolved tensions. So over time,
these small, unaddressed grievances can pile up and suddenly cause a friendship to
fracture. Women might hesitate to discuss issues in their friendships at a fear of
rejection or abandonment. This can cause a breakdown in communication where unresolved
problems fester. When they finally explode, the fallout can seem unexpected and
irreversible. Some research suggests that how we manage friendships in adulthood can
be tied to our relationships with family, especially siblings. If a person as
unresolved issues with family members, like feelings of being overshadowed or competing
for attention, it can unconsciously transfer into our friendships. So a friend may
become inadvertently a stand -in for a sibling or parent regarding emotional
expectations, which can lead to similar conflicts and disappointment that we had in
our childhood. In other words, adult friendships can mirror attachment styles that
originated in our childhood. If someone has an insecure attachment style,
either anxious or avoidant, they may struggle to maintain stable adult friendships.
Women who experience emotionally distant relationships with parents or siblings might
project this onto friends, expecting more than the friendship can realistically
provide, or pulling away when it feels too vulnerable. However,
a rift can form when one friend outgrows the other in terms of emotional maturity,
interests, or even priorities. Sometimes it's not a specific event that causes a
falling out, but rather just a gradual sense of incompatibility.
Research has shown that friendships often end when one party feels they are putting
in more effort than the other. A survey of 6 ,000 people in a study published in
Psychological Science indicated that adults who felt unsupported by friends were 55 %
more likely to let those friendships fade away over time, 55 % more likely,
just because they didn't feel supported. Adult friendships,
particularly among women, are complex because they carry emotional histories,
evolving priorities, and often those unspoken expectations. But it's not just women.
Men have their challenges too, but they're a little different. The thing is,
men are often socialized to be less emotionally expressive, and many are taught to
avoid vulnerability in relationships. As a result, male friendships can sometimes lack
the same level of emotional intimacy that is more common in female friendships. This
doesn't mean men don't value their friendships as deeply, but the emotional aspect is
often downplayed or expressed differently. So as a result, men may experience fewer
emotional conflicts with their friends. Issues like hurt feelings or misunderstandings
are less likely to be openly discussed. As a result, men may simply drift apart
rather than have a confrontation or "falling out" over emotional issues. Because male
friendships tend to be more activity -based, meaning they often revolve around shared
hobbies or interests, things like sports, work, gaming. This makes male friendships
more resilient to certain life changes, as long as the shared activity continues.
However, men may lose touch more easily when those activities cease. That would be
due to, like, a move or a new job or family responsibilities. It appears that
because many males have less emotionally intense friendships, there's less conflict or
drama. And men may not feel as much pressure to fulfill emotional roles for each
other. So there are fewer opportunities for misunderstandings. So when men grow apart,
it's often due to external circumstances. Like I said, work, family obligations,
a move, rather than an emotional breakdown. A study from the American Sociological
Review found that men are more likely to lose friendships as they enter new life
stages, like marriage or parenthood, but tend to simply drift apart without formal
closure. Despite having fewer friendship conflicts, men also experienced significant
loneliness in their life. A survey published by Harvard Men's Health Watch show that
men in their 40s and 50s reported having fewer close friends than women,
which can lead to isolation and difficulty forming new friendships for men later in
life. Women tend to focus more on the emotional depth of friendships. This can lead
to higher levels of intimacy, but as I said, more conflict when emotional needs
aren't met. Women may expect emotional reciprocity and support from their friends,
which can lead to those misunderstandings and hurt feelings if the friendship comes
unbalanced. So, what's the secret sauce to maintaining friendships?
Research shows it's important to recognize that while friendships can change or even
fall apart due to life transitions, they are still very much possible and valuable.
Some of the tricks to maintaining friendships might seem kind of obvious.
One, don't let busy schedules be an excuse. Make an effort to regularly check in
with friends, even just a quick text or phone call. But schedule regular meetups.
Set aside specific times for coffee, lunch, or activities that fit into your
lifestyle so maintaining friendships doesn't feel like an afterthought. Find common
activities. Group activities like book clubs, fitness classes,
and volunteering provide natural opportunities to strengthen bonds with current friends
or meet new people with similar interests. Another thing is to stay open.
As people age, deeper connections often form through vulnerability. Don't be afraid to
share your feelings or personal challenges. This can help foster closeness and trust.
And to that end, be yourself. Keeping up appearances is tempting,
particularly if you've lived kind of a high society life or keeping up with the
Jones's kind of lifestyle, but real connections thrive on authenticity.
Share your true self and encourage others to do the same. Adapt to life changes.
Midlife, as I said earlier, brings career shifts, health changes and challenges,
and changes in family dynamics. So be open to friendships evolving with these
transitions. Show grace and flexibility when you or others have circumstances that are
shifting and let go of perfection. Friendships don't need to be perfect to be
valuable. It's okay if friendships ebb and flow.
Accept differences, particularly in this day and age. As people evolve,
friendships will include differing opinions, lifestyle choices, or political views.
Instead of focusing on what divides you, look for common ground or agree to disagree
with respect,
and then give more than you get. Be generous with your time and energy.
Sometimes reaching out and offering support without expecting anything in return can
be the spark that keeps a friendship alive or initiates a new one. By being
intentional, open, and adaptable, friendships post -midlife can be maintained and grow
into deeper, more meaningful connections. Long -term friendships survive if both parties
invest equally, are adaptable to change, and are willing to communicate.
Throughout my life, I have been very blessed with a fairly large array of friends
from all different aspects of my life. Because I lived in the same city for almost
45 years, I had friends from grade school, college, my career in television,
and a fairly large extended family. But it was not always easy to maintain those
grade school or even college friends once I started having my own family and a very
demanding career in television. When I got divorced, that changed the dynamics in my
married couple's circle of friends so dramatically because I was the first of ten
families to get divorced. Many of them got divorced later, but that's a different
story. But years later, and when my second husband and I moved to Maui,
we both had to learn to make friends all over again. And because I didn't have a
career in Maui at the time, I couldn't rely on work to make my new friends.
Fortunately, we both play tennis and we had school -aged children and that helped us
meet a number of new people. But as for maintaining my old friendships,
social media played a huge role in getting back in touch with those old friends,
the ones from grade school and college, and then I made an effort to see them
whenever I would come back to Los Angeles. But even today, I have found that the
more hobbies and interests I have in new things, the more people I meet. As I
mentioned in a podcast a few months ago, this past summer I've added two more
hobbies to my portfolio. I'm learning to play golf, and I started a majean group
with some of my pickleball friends.
However, I want to acknowledge that whether you're making new friends or staying in
touch with old friends, you've moved away or circumstances have changed in your life.
I want you to know that I know how hard it is to break up with a friend or even
drift away from a group of friends. Whether it is circumstantial, like a move,
a divorce, becoming a widow or widower, or having a career change, or a financial
hardship. Or maybe it's something personal between the two of you, like an argument,
hurt feelings, a sense of neglect, or abandonment. It's hard.
Going through the loss of a friendship is almost as hard as going through a divorce
in a marriage. When you've invested months or years or decades in a friendship and
suddenly they're not there to talk to every day or see every week or even visit
once a year, it can be very heartbreaking. And there's a lot of soul searching
about what did I do wrong? Was I too judgmental? Should I have not said this or
should I have said that. I want to remind you, you always have choices. You can
always reach out and talk to that friend. Write them a letter, call them. You can't
control whether or not they'll respond. They may ignore your calls. They may not
return your email. They may not answer the phone. But that's not the part you can
control. The part you can control is the effort you put in to say,
"I would love to talk with you. "I'm thinking of you. "I want to apologize,
or I want to clear the air." That's what you can control. And after that,
you do have to let it go if there's no reciprocity. But just because a friendship
wanes does not mean it's black and white or forever. I have had friendships that
grew apart very slowly and some very quickly. And decades later,
they came back and we found a new beginning. And it was really beautiful because
there was a lot of history there. And yes, it's different. The circumstances have
changed. But there's still a history and there's still friendship, and my expectations
of them and myself are different. Whether that friendship is over permanently or
temporarily,
let it flow, let it be, let it go for now or let it go forever,
but be open to the possibility that circumstances will
Now, if somebody has really hurt you physically, emotionally,
mentally, financially, whether that was with intention or unintentionally,
I want you to remember one thing. Living well is the best revenge.
So, in that case, go live your best life and be happy.
And with that, I wanna remind you that The Overthinker's Guide to Joy is now a
book and it is available on Amazon and BarnesandNoble .com. And as of today,
or when I recorded this podcast, on Audible, if you prefer to listen rather than to
read. If you do buy the back or download the e -book or choose to listen to the
audiobook, I just want to ask one favor. Please leave me a review on Amazon as
that will help others discover the book too, and that would mean so much to me.
And with that, as always, I want to thank you for listening and I look forward to
talking to you next time. Bye for If
you would like to learn more about working with me as a coach, you can connect
with me through my website at jackiedecrinis.com. That's J -A -C -K -I -E -D -E -C -R -I -N -I -S .com.