Hey there, and welcome back. So this is part three of my grief series.
And well, you may be like, "Why is she talking about grief during the holiday
season?" The holidays are supposed to be about joy and family and friends and
celebration. And yes, that is all true. And for many people who love the holidays,
the holidays are about shopping and gift wrapping, and throwing parties, or attending
parties, decorating your house, dressing up. And that is so awesome if you love that
part of the holidays. But sometimes grief shows up at the holidays,
because sometimes we have loss, we have death, we have separation,
divorce, break up during the holidays, we lose a job during the holidays, as we
talked about in my last podcast, but sometimes holidays can just trigger a feeling
of grief when we miss a loved one or something that meant something to us.
Grief is something that we all face at some point in time and when it comes it
can make us feel very isolated or
experience, and no two journeys are alike. So for me,
grief became part of my story when I was a little girl, and I lost my mother to
cancer when I was just 10 years old. And even now, 50 years later,
her absence still leaves a void. And it wasn't until I got married and had children
of my own that the holidays weren't a huge trigger of grief for me because when I
was little my mother made the holidays very special and she was just that kind of
mom. She was a great cook and she paid attention to all of her kids needs and she
always managed to find that one special gift that you forgot you even asked for
months ago. She was always paying attention and listening so birthdays and holidays
were magical because of her and when she was gone for me at least it always
always come home for the holidays because they have their own partners and friends
and responsibilities and that is so much to celebrate but sometimes the holidays can
feel like something is missing all over again and I recently read this quote that I
just loved grief is the price we pay for love it's the echo of connection and I
thought, what a beautiful way to sort of reframe grief. Because in order to have
grief, it means we had to have loved something. We had to have been attached to
something that meant something. And that's profound. I mean, it's sort of like what
Shakespeare said. It's better to have loved and lost than have never loved at all.
And look, it's not an easy path, But grief shouldn't be something you have to walk
alone. Now, you've probably all heard of the five stages of grief. There's denial,
anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages are a helpful way to
understand the emotional terrain of loss, but they're not a straight road. For some,
anger might come first, but for others, Denial might linger, and sometimes you might
feel all five stages in a single afternoon. That's the thing about grief.
It just doesn't follow a roadmap. It's kind of as unique as the relationship we had
with the person we lost. So when my mom passed away, I didn't just lose her.
I lost my sense of stability in my home base because she was kind of my whole
world. And as a 10 year old, I didn't really have the words for what I was
feeling, but I knew my world had changed forever. So the loss of a parent at such
a young age made me feel different than other little girls. And eventually,
over a long period of time, that difference or deficit ended up creating a strength
within me. It made me more empathetic and compassionate about other people's life
stories, heartaches, and things that come into people's lives that create grief.
But it also made me very introspective and resilient. And while my mother's illness
was not sudden, her death felt like it was, and I was most definitely not prepared
for it. And for some of my friends and clients, the relationships were complicated
even when their loved one was alive so upon death it feels like those relationship
quirks or dynamics or friction never was truly resolved so whether a loved one was
estranged or whether there was a long history of conflicting feelings due to mental
illness or addiction death can bring on feelings of confusion or even guilt.
But the thing is, it's just all okay. And what I mean by that is it is perfectly
normal to have mixed feelings when somebody passes away. In some ways,
grief is not always about death. Sometimes it can be the loss of a relationship,
romantic or otherwise. Divorce can bring up a lot of issues during the holiday
season, particularly if children are involved. Since holidays are often built around
the traditions of a family, if divorce occurs, the children are often caught in the
middle. They have to go to one parent's house or the other, or they have to split
the holidays between the parents, or when children are grown, they may still feel a
conflict between which parent they spend their holidays with and which holiday that
is. So there's a lot of scorekeeping or again a lot of guilt or pressure to do
the right thing or have the perfect holiday.
Holidays can be really wonderful particularly if you're a holiday person but the flip
side is that It can also be stressful, overwhelming, and you sometimes can experience
grief because of it. So if you're experiencing some kind of loss or grief at this
time, whether it's the holidays or not, there are tools that you can use that are
very helpful in navigating through those complicated feelings. The first is to name
the feeling. Give your grief or your thoughts about your feelings, some oxygen. Let
them live and be heard without feeling like you have to repress them. Now this can
be done simply by allowing yourself to name them or talk about them or if you
don't feel comfortable about talking about them out loud using a journal to write
them down. This is a tool I've discussed in many of my previous episodes. Clearing
can be a very powerful way for clearing those thoughts, kind of like clearing the
cobwebs out of your brain.
The second thing is there's rituals for connection. If you've lost someone that you
loved or are just missing someone, light a candle for them. Visit their favorite
place or cook their favorite meal. Sometimes honoring the things they loved can help
keep them alive in your heart and make you feel closer to them if that's your
goal.
The third thing is to seek connection. Whether it's support groups, therapy,
coaching, or just leaning on friends, don't be afraid to reach out and ask for
help. There are people who would love to help you. And Finally,
be patient. Healing isn't linear. Honor your pace. Don't try to judge yourself or
compare yourself against other people's journeys. While grief can feel like an endless
wave, it isn't forever. It will change into something different, but that's as long
as you take care of yourself, mind, body, and spirit.
So for me, my mother's memory is kept alive through talking about her. Because I
was a child when she died, my children never had the opportunity to know her. So I
made sure when they were growing up, I constantly talked about her. I talked about
recipes she would make and how I either make them the same way or I've modified
them since. But every time I make certain recipes, I think of her and I talk about
her. And that's a way that I've passed her legacy on to my children who now make
those same recipes. But grief isn't a sign of weakness or failure.
It's a testament to the love you shared with somebody. And while the ache may never
fully disappear, it does transform. Over time you might find that joy returns,
not as a replacement for the grief, but as a companion to it. Because life in the
face of loss has an incredible way of growing around the cracks.
If holiday traditions are no longer bringing you comfort, or for whatever reason,
maybe this year, you don't feel like celebrating, try something new. Plan a trip
with a friend, or even a group. Start a new hobby, particularly one that involves
other people. Join a book club, learn to play bridge or mahjong. Take a pickleball
lesson or take a yoga class. Adopt a pet. Companionship with a furry friend is one
of the most rewarding and healing things you can do. But moving your body or
engaging your mind and activities can be a great way to take a break from the
grief and make new neural connections through concentration, movement,
or even just making a new friend. Grief isn't something you have to face alone.
And I'm here to help you find the light if you are struggling in the dark. I want
you to feel free to reach out to me and let's talk. In the meantime,
I want to wish you a happy, healthy holiday season, however you choose to celebrate
it. And I look forward to talking to you in the new year. Have a great December
and bye for now.
a coach, you can connect with me through my website at jackiedecrinis.com, that's J -A -C -K -I -E -D -E -C -R -I -N -I -S .com.
