You're listening to the Overthinkers Guide to Joy, episode 41. This is the one where
we're going to talk about walking on eggshells. Let's dive in.
This is a podcast for overthinkers, overdoers, and overachievers who are tired of
feeling overanxious and just want to feel better. I'm your host, certified life coach
Jackie de Crinis.
Hey there and welcome back. So today I want to talk about a subject that comes up
all of the time in my sessions, and it's a subject that I struggled with for many,
many, many years of my life. And so I thought it would be an interesting subject
to share with you all and see if it doesn't resonate with some of you as well.
And that's the issue of walking on eggshells, especially with certain people in your
life. And just to clarify the expression, this is when we have a hyper or when we
behave in a hyper vigilant way when interacting with certain types of people to
avoid upsetting them. And you know those types, they're people who are either passive
aggressive or aggressive, aggressive or volatile. And we just feel like we're always
tippy towing around them because we're not sure of their mood or how they'll react
to something and we end up not being our most authentic selves around them for fear
of upsetting them or they'll be angry at us or they'll be punitive to us in some
way. Now oftentimes people who walk on eggshells will notice that this is a pattern
in their life. It may not be with everyone. There may be many people that they
feel comfortable with and safe with but they may have it in a pattern with their
bosses or it may have come from a relationship or still be a relationship with
their parent or a sibling or maybe their partner or sometimes just a friend.
And while most of us have encountered this dynamic with someone at some point,
Others of us have maybe had this pattern in their whole lives So when I was little
I had this relationship with my childhood best friend She was kind of the queen bee
a little bit of the mean girl very clickish and She was moody.
So sometimes she was nice sometimes she was mean sometimes she invited me sometimes
she didn't and we were friends for years I've written about this and and even
talked about it in former podcasts tests, but it was always sort of walking on
eggshells feeling with her, like, what will I do or what might I do today that
would upset her? And it was a terrible relationship to have. I mean, we were very
good friends and we have since overcome that and have been friends for almost 50
years. But at the time, I just didn't know what that was about.
And then later, although I didn't do it with other girlfriends, I did it with boys
I dated. And then eventually when I overcame that, I started seeing this pattern
show up with my bosses, because I had some very difficult bosses when I worked in
the entertainment business. But at that point, I just chalked it up to it's the
entertainment business. And there's a lot of difficult people in that industry, people
with big egos, people who are notoriously volatile and there's so much uncertainty in
those jobs that you just sort of make excuses and assume well this is the norm but
it wasn't until much later that I realized I was attracting this pattern into my
life and it was manifesting in different ways and so because it looked different
throughout my life I didn't think it was a pattern and then I realized "Oh,
this is the pattern of walking on eggshells." So if you have a history of walking
on eggshells with someone close to you, then you may be unconsciously attracting
those people into your life too. So the question is why? Like why would we
consciously or unconsciously attract people who make our lives more difficult?
Well, there isn't one simple answer, there never is, but it's most likely to come
from something in our childhood that got wired in the wrong way. Like many homes,
there may have been dysfunction or disruption or specifically a parent who may be
suffered from alcoholism or drug addiction, borderline personality disorder or
narcissism. Any one of those things can cause a child to develop this coping
mechanism known as walking on eggshells. So when we're little, our life is dependent
on the adults or adults in charge in our house. So finding or creating safety,
whether that's emotional or physical, becomes paramount to us. And a child who wants
simply just more attention or approval from their parent or caregiver may bend over
backwards trying to figure out which behavior will create more stability, more safety.
So in some cases, an erratic parent, whether it's due to chemical addiction, like
alcohol or biochemical imbalances, like narcissism, what I often see is my clients
will describe how great it was when that parent was really loving towards them,
when they weren't drunk, or when they were on their medication or when they were
just in not a manic state. They were often charismatic, charming,
and intelligent. So because that parent is often charismatic and charming and
intelligent, it becomes like an addiction for the child to hit the jackpot and
figure out how to make them happy or how to not set them off. Now,
as a result of this behavior or pattern, they then carry this habit into their
adult life, attracting either friends or lovers or bosses who have similar
characteristics to their own parents. Now, they thought when they were younger that
it was their job to keep the peace, not upset them or just make them happy. But
this is way too much responsibility for a child, so the wiring is wrong,
it's screwed up, it's twisted, and so the pattern becomes dysfunctional.
So one of the things I hear amongst a lot of my clients who had difficult
upbringings with an unpredictable mother or father was that when their mother or
father was behaving, as they say, they made them feel very special.
They often described their parent as so loving or charming or fun that when they
were okay, they just wanted more of it. So they loved that side of them so much,
they would do everything to make them happy and avoid upsetting them, kind of at
all costs, and almost at their own self -identity because their whole mission in life
was to try and recreate that feeling of that adoration that they got from their
volatile parent who was then at times charming and charismatic and very loving.
So like I said, when they became adults on their own, they carried this habit into
their other relationships. So what happens is the pattern becomes they spend their
lives either trying to make everyone else happy all the time or fixating on the
most difficult person in their life and always trying to make them happy. And we've
all seen people like this. We've all seen people who are in marriages where the
spouse is so disgruntled or so volatile, and yet the wife or the husband bends over
backwards to make them happy. And even though they leave such wreckage in their wake
with their moods and their volatility and yet the spouse is always sort of cleaning
up after them and making excuses for them. So that person as a child thinks they
needed to be perfect or super helpful or never make a mistake to avoid the wrath
of the volatile parent and they mistakenly think if they could just make that parent
calm or just make that parent happy then they themselves would feel safe. But that
never really happens, because when you have a pattern of unpredictability, you never
feel safe. And eventually this leads to very low self -esteem, oftentimes poor health,
and chronic anxiety and /or depression. So when we finally are free from the
unpredictable volatile caregiver, Again, why do we unconsciously repeat this pattern in
our adult lives? Because we erroneously think there's a reward. We think that we'll
feel safer or more loved if we can just please the most difficult person in our
life. The walking on eggshell's person is ultimately seeking just two things,
safety and approval, the very things they didn't get in their childhood, but they
saw glimmers of it, just enough to keep them coming back and trying for more. It's
almost like a gambler's mentality. You win just enough to put more coins in the
slot machine thinking you're going to hit the jackpot. And oftentimes, it's the most
creative and charismatic people who suffer the most from terrible mood swings and
tortured souls, which is that either biochemical imbalance or sometimes leads to that
external chemical addiction, like again, alcohol or drugs.
So the truth is, we might be attracted to them in our adult life because they're
familiar to us, that type of person, that charming, captivating, seemingly soulful
human being when they're on their best behavior. We know this dynamic seems familiar,
but we think it will be different this time. I personally made this mistake over my
lifetime in both friendships and romantic partnerships, and definitely with the bosses
that I talked about. And they all had one thing in common. They were all
notoriously charming, charismatic, and maybe a little bit narcissistic. So when we
continue to tolerate this pattern of walking on eggshells with erratic or volatile
people, we perpetuate our own illusion or delusion that if we're just hyper -vigilant
enough, if we're just good enough, we can please them. And we think that if we
just behave in that certain way, we will engender gratitude and loyalty from them.
and then we can finally feel safe and loved. But the truth is, we've given away
our safety by tolerating and indulging this behavior. We become a prisoner of our
own making. And rather than developing our own sense of self, solidifying our own
self -worth, we become chameleons. We twist ourselves into a pretzel to avoid
upsetting our little counterpart. We become people pleasers and I did a whole podcast
on this a few months ago. I think it's episode 15 called overcoming people pleasing
paralysis. So how do you know if you're prone to walking on eggshells?
Well here are some questions you might ask yourself. Number one, do you have a high
sensitivity to everyone in your environment? Are you always noticing anything that
might be off like maybe at a restaurant or a party or at work. Some people call
this being an empath where you're highly attuned to others' feelings, people you
don't even know. Another sign might be, "Are you always feeling kind of tense? Are
you always on the lookout for danger or emotional upset?" Now if the answer is yes
to either or both of these questions, Is this possible that it came from your
childhood, and if so, can you identify the root of it? Was there someone who you
sought out their approval, but their attention was unpredictable or unstable? Or was
there a situation in your household that created unpredictability or instability, might
have been divorce or death or war or something? So what can you do about it now?
because that's the past and you can't change the past. And part of what I do as a
coach is not get mired in the past, but give you tools to work forward so that
you can change the narrative in your life. Well, what can you do about it? Number
one, starts with self -care. It always comes back to this.
Self -care is how you create the foundational strength you need to be your best self
in the world. And when you make yourself a priority, that's both mind and body, you
show up differently in the world. Number two, get professional help. Whether you hire
a therapist to work through your issues of childhood trauma, or you hire a coach to
help you learn tools for better self -care and discovering what you want and need
going forward in your life, or both. But get the help that you need and number
three set boundaries If you're in a relationship that is dangerous Emotionally or
physically then you need to seek help to remove yourself safely from that situation.
That's paramount But if your issue is not one of imminent danger, but it's still
taking a toll on your life Then you need to be able to set those boundaries So
when things are neutral That is not in the heat of someone's outburst or
disagreement. You need to schedule a time to sit and talk to them, rationally and
calmly. You need to be able to explain your thoughts and feelings without judgment.
It's just stating your truth, your thoughts and feelings from a place of love. And
that can be even with a work colleague or boss. You don't have to love them, but
you have to come from a place of love, whether for yourself or for the situation,
because it needs to get better. When you develop a strong self -concept through self
-care and recognize that you're in charge of your own well -being, that volatile
person will no longer have power over you. At the very worst, it might mean leaving
a relationship or maybe your job. But in the best case scenario, you find a
healthier way to communicate, but you get off the emotional roller coaster that has
left you feeling beat up on the inside. It's important to understand that you're not
trying to change the other person. That's not within your power. Your happiness is
not contingent on the other person changing. Your happiness comes from your own
ability to know what you want and deserve, to establish healthy boundaries and
continue to have healthy relationships with that person or know when it's time to
part ways. But the good news is that no matter how long this has been your
pattern, it is never too late to make a change. You can always choose to have the
life you want. And it starts with the belief that you deserve it and taking baby
steps to get it. All right, friends, that's all I have for you this week. I look
forward to talking to you next time and I hope you have a great week and bye for
now. Thank you for listening to this episode of The Overthinker's Guide to Joy.
If you're enjoying these episodes, please subscribe or follow this podcast so you can
always be in the know when the next episode drops. If you would like to learn more
about working with me as a coach, you can connect with me through my website at
jackiedecrinis.com. That's J -A -C -K -I -E -D -E -C -R -I -N -I -S .com.
