You are listening to the Overthinkers Guide to Joy, episode 100.
That's a big milestone. And today we're going to be talking about why we are so
hard on ourselves and how to practice more self -compassion. Let's dive in.
This is a podcast for overthinkers, overdoers and overachievers who are tired of
feeling over anxious and just want to feel better. I'm your host certified life
coach Jackie de Crinis.
Hey there and welcome back. So I have a question for you. Are you harder on
yourself than everyone else in your life? I know the answer is a definitive yes for
me and it seems to be for most of the people I know, especially women.
Now it's easy for us to be more forgiving of others, particularly those when they
apologize for a mistake or when they admit they're struggling to understand something
or complete a task. And yet so many of us, and again I'm included in this,
don't apply that same compassion and grace to ourselves in our own situations.
So, what's up with that? Well it turns out it's a whole host of things that create
this. So first let's talk about societal expectations and conditioning.
Now, in many societies, there's a strong emphasis on achievement and success.
So from a young age, individuals are taught to strive for excellence in academics,
sports, other activities, and then in business, and this culture of constant
achievement can lead to internalizing the belief that self -worth is tied to our
accomplishments. So when we fail to meet these high standards for ourselves,
we often become our own harshest critics, and I'll get to that specific statement
more in a minute. But the thing is, many cultures highly value hard work,
resilience, and overcoming challenges without showing weakness. And this can create an
environment where taking breaks or showing vulnerability is stigmatized. And as a
result, many people feel guilty for needing to rest or needing support,
or it leads them to push themselves harder and then criticize themselves for that
perceived weakness. And then there's the influence of social media setting unrealistic
standards. And this constant exposure to seemingly perfect lives can make individuals
feel inadequate and it can make us feel very critical of ourselves for not measuring
up. But then there are psychological factors. And the big one,
of course, is perfectionism, something I talk a lot about on this podcast.
Modern society often equates perfection with success and imperfections with failure.
It's very black and white because the pressure to be perfect in every aspect of
life, whether that's work, relationships, appearance, can lead to a very unforgiving
attitude towards ourselves when inevitable mistakes or shortcomings occur. So let's
pick it up again on that inner critic that I mentioned. Those of you who have been
listening to my podcast for a while know that I talked about the inner critic in
episode 14. But for those of you who are unfamiliar with this concept, let me just
give you a quick overview. The inner critic is an internal voice that constantly
evaluates, judges, and criticizes our actions and decisions. And it tends to focus on
our perceived flaws, our mistakes, and our shortcomings, which often lead us to
feelings of inadequacy and self -doubt. And this voice can be relentless and harsh,
making it very difficult for people to recognize their strengths and accomplishments.
So while the inner critic can emerge from various experiences throughout life, it's
often rooted in early childhood experiences because the voice of the inner critic
frequently mirrors the critical comments, judgments, or high expectations we encountered
from parents, teachers, and other significant figures during our formative years. But
then there's also just the fear of judgment. And this is the anxiety or apprehension
that others will evaluate us negatively. It stems from a concern about how we're
perceived by others and the potential consequences of their disapproval. So these
three psychological factors can feel like one and the same, but they have very
subtle and very important distinctions, so the fear of judgment is really external
pressure from others' perceived opinions. Perfectionism is internal pressure to achieve
an ideal standard, and the inner critic is an internalized voice that critiques our
own actions, which means that their consequences are also very different. The fear of
judgment can lead to avoidance behaviors, heightened self -consciousness, and conforming
to social norms. Perfectionism tends to lead to things like over -preparing or
excessive attention to detail or just general dissatisfaction with achievements because,
again, nothing's ever good enough. And the inner critic tends to focus on negative
self -talk, has low self -esteem, and has difficulty accepting praise or success.
So I mentioned that there are cultural, societal, and childhood experiences that can
all profoundly influence where this self -criticism might stem from. But there's one
more area to discuss, and that is past mistakes. Past mistakes,
especially those with significant consequences, can often haunt us. So by constantly
replaying these mistakes in one's mind, it reinforces negative self -perceptions and
feelings of regret. And so people often define their self -worth by their mistakes,
viewing them as evidence of their inadequacies. And this self -judgment can persist
long after the event, which then has an impact on current and future self -esteem.
So how do we retrain ourselves to be kinder to ourselves?
So the first step is to develop self -awareness. And then once we have self
-awareness, it's important to practice mindfulness. So there's many ways to practice
mindfulness but my top three favorite are these. One is a daily meditation practice.
One of my favorites is called loving kindness and this just takes a few minutes and
all you have to do is sit quietly and repeat. May I be happy,
may I be healthy, May I live with ease and free from harm. Another great practice
is journaling. Writing down your negative thoughts and learning to reframe them is a
very powerful tool. And this is something I talk about in a really early episode
about journaling, but it's also something I talk about in episode 98 called The
Steps Tool. And this is a really powerful tool to help teach you how to reframe
your thoughts. And then the third is setting realistic expectations or what I refer
to as smart goals. When setting a goal, it's important to be realistic and
achievable. And that doesn't mean you should give up your dreams. Like if you wanna
write a New York Times bestseller or you wanna win an Oscar or you wanna build
your dream home, whatever it is, don't give up on that. It just means breaking it
down so that the big goal is now into smaller goals with more manageable steps.
And then you go to work at it every single day. But the other thing is you have
to allow for mistakes because mistakes are how we learn and get better.
Another very important element, which is to build a support system,
whether it's a small group of close friends or a single friend, a family member,
or even a professional, like a therapist or a coach. These can be very powerful
resources to help you move forward when you're stuck or remind you to practice the
self -compassion that we talked about. My friend Lori and I call these "permission
slips" or "haul passes." As coaches, we're always giving our clients permission slips,
at least metaphorically speaking, to make a big decision or to overcome their fear
of asking for what they want or need. We give them permission to speak up,
push back, set a boundary, or buy something they want. Or, if they make a mistake,
we give them a hall pass and tell them it's okay. And we do the same thing with
our loved ones. We all do. We are always giving permission slips and hall passes.
It's funny how often we need someone else to say, "It's okay." But the long -term
goal is to give ourselves or to learn to give ourselves permission slips for
something we want or need or a hall pass for when we make a mistake without
thinking it's going to be the end of the world. So my message to you is to start
treating yourself like someone you love because when you're happier than others will
be happier around you and when you take care of yourself and prioritize yourself,
others will too. And when you practice self -compassion and self -care, you're modeling
it for other people, for your friends, your family, and especially your children.
So if you're worried that self -care and self -compassion seem selfish, remember that
you're actually helping others by doing it. So let's do a quick recap.
If you have been unnecessarily hard on yourself in the past, how can you start to
change that pattern? Well, one, you can start with a two -minute loving -kindness
meditation. Two, you can take two minutes to journal your negative thoughts and work
on reframing them. And three, You can take that lofty goal and break it down into
one step forward today. And four, you can find a support group or individual to
talk through your concerns about self -criticism or doubts and learn to practice
giving yourself your own permission slip and haul passes when you need them. Alright
friends, that's what I have for you this week. I look forward to talking to you
next time. Have a great week and bye for now.
