Ep #98: Reframing Negative Thoughts with the STEPS Model

You are listening to episode 98 of The Overthinker's Guide to Joy. This is the one
where I'm going to take you on a little bit of a personal journey to tell you a
very important lesson and tool I used to get out of a bad mood and a bad mindset.
Let's dive in.
This is a podcast for overthinkers, overdoers, and who are tired of feeling over
anxious and just want to feel better. I'm your host certified life coach, Jackie
de Crinis. Hey there and welcome back. I'm laughing because I have been trying to
record this podcast for days but something has gotten in my way every single day.
It started with I got a head cold and I tried to record and I was so congested I
couldn't listen to the sound of my own voice. I think I'm still kind of nasally
then the head cold went away That was great. Thank goodness. And then yesterday I
went to record and there were Landscapers outside so leaf blowers lawn mowers,
and it just was relentless And so I couldn't record then and then today I went to
record and there was this weird hissing sound on my microphone So every time I did
a test recording I kept hearing this like sound in the back and I was yeah so
anyway I'm happy to be here and finally recording and hoping there's no hissing
sound hoping there's no leaf blowers lawnmowers and I'm not super nasally and this
episode will work so hi if you're listening to this in real time it's like early
June and it's kind of the end of spring early summer season and I am just loving
it because the weather has been so nice, not hot, but just pleasant every day with
a little bit of cloud cover and I've been playing a lot of tennis and pickleball.
And for those of you who follow my podcast, you know how much I love both sports
and how it makes me very happy when I can play and that's been awesome. But I am
also learning to play a new sport, golf. And I never thought I'd be a golfer.
I'm still not sure if I'm a golfer, because for those of you who already play it,
I don't need to tell you what a challenge it is. And it is so humbling to start
at the beginning, because I am next level terrible. Like barely can hit the ball
off the tee and absolutely can't hit it in the air and when I make contact with
the ball at all it like kind of skids across the grass as if I'm playing croquet
as opposed to golf which isn't supposed to happen unless you putt but that said I'm
trying and my husband started playing about two years ago he played when he was
younger but not very seriously and then he's now taking it very seriously.
And he really wants me to play with him. Which, to be honest, I don't understand
why. Like, we both play tennis and that's a sport that, yes, he's much, much, much
better than I am. But I've been playing it for 20 years. We have a great time
playing together against each other, mixed doubles. It's my favorite thing to play.
So I don't understand why he'd want me to play golf with him when I'm years behind
him in skill level, and it takes me like a million more strokes to just, you know,
finally get the ball in the hole. But nonetheless, he thought it would be fun to
play together. And he doesn't seem to be bothered, right? How long it takes me to
finally make a putt. So I love that he's committed to me, committing to learn the
game, and I love that he's relatively patient with me. And so We went out,
I don't know, a week or two ago for my very first round of nine holes with my
very own clubs. And I must admit, hitting with new clubs instead of his old ones
from like the Jurassic era made a huge difference. First of all, they were old and
the technology has changed drastically over 30 years. And also they were the wrong
size for me and just all the things. So yes, Even with my new clubs, I average
about 10 strokes for what is probably a par 3, par 5. It doesn't really matter.
10 seems to be my number, and that's a terrible score. But he was still really
patient, and I kind of had fun. We went out the second time just last week,
and he was a little less patient because we went and played with a friend of his
who he's been friends with since college, And he was visiting and so we went out
and you know, they're not extraordinary golfers, but they're definitely better than me
And so I think he was a little frustrated that I was taking like a long time But
anyway, his idea of pointers or advice is things like don't hit the ball into the
lake Or you want to avoid the sand traps You don't need to know anything about
golf to know that So So I give him kind of a sideways look, like thank you,
Captain Obvious. And then of course I proceeded to hit the ball into the lake or
the said sand trap. But again, I'm digressing. I swear this episode is not about
golf. I'm getting to the point, I promise. But let me tell you what happened on
the second outing of our golf game. It was Memorial Day. And like I said, we were
meeting up with his old friend. And the setting was just beautiful. It's a public
course on the other side of the island and I had never been there and it was like
right on the ocean. And I mean, it was just a gorgeous day. The ocean was blue,
the grass was really bright green. It was like cloud cover and a mild breeze. And
it was just, it's like a golfers dream. And they had this tea time and I was
invited to be the third wheel, if you will. And I could only play the front nine.
I couldn't play the whole 18 -hole course because I had to get home to meet with
clients. And my husband assured me that we would be finished in two hours, because
that's what a normal front nine or back nine takes. But there were three of us,
and because I hit a lot of extra balls, it took about two and a half hours. So
by the time I finished my ninth hole, I was running late. I needed to go to the
ladies room because because I had drank like two gallons of water. And I had to
hightail it back to my car with my clubs and my water bottles and my gear because
I was running late for my client. And while I was in the ladies' room, my husband
very kindly brought my clubs out of the cart and placed them in front of the
ladies' room on the rack. But he forgot everything else in the cart, like my wallet
and the covers for my clubs and my water bottle. And so I grabbed my bag full of
clubs because I don't know this course and I don't know anybody there and so I
don't know if I can leave my bags just sitting there so I grab my bag full of
clubs and I start running back towards the course to grab my stuff out of the cart
before he takes off and when I finally cut up with him I snapped and said you
almost took off with all my stuff and why didn't you look around like why didn't
you see all my stuff in the cart before you brought my bag and then he was
annoyed with me because I was scolding him and he's like, "Fine, next time I won't
bring your bag over. Sorry for trying to be helpful." And then I rushed off and
then it kind of left us both feeling a little irritated. And I looked at the clock
and I was gonna be late for my clients and I had not eaten lunch and I was
starving. And I thought, okay, I know what I'll do. I'll go grab like a quick fish
taco from my favorite little hole in the wall second place and I'll eat in the car
and I'll be on time for my clients and I'm just won't play golf with my husband
again because obviously we can't play together because I'm too slow and he's too
defensive and he's snarky and all these things and so anyway I'm driving like a mad
person it's about 45 minutes from my house the little Mexican restaurant is a
halfway point so I stop I pull in the parking lot and the restaurant is dark.
And I'm like, no, oh, it's Memorial Day. They're closed, of course.
And I panicked because my blood sugar was dangerously low. And as I was racing
home, I was getting angrier and hungrier. And I felt annoyed with my husband for
telling me that we would finish in two hours. And it took longer. And then I felt
annoyed that he almost left all my stuff in the cart and was about to take off,
and I was annoyed that I didn't play well, and I was annoyed that I took up the
sport, and we had a little tiff on our second day out together, and then I finally
stopped at the grocery store and grabbed a poke bowl, and I ate in the parking
lot, texted my client to let them know I was going to run five minutes late, and
then this amazing thing happened. I felt better. So I then sent a text to my
husband for thanking him For including me in his men's game and that I thought the
course was beautiful He sent back a very sweet text saying I played pretty well for
my second time and sent a heart emoji It was kind of our version of an apology
But this whole thing I know it was a really long long long winded story But this
whole thing was like a teaching moment for myself First of all, I mean it was sort
of the obvious which is I'm not very patient with myself when I do things badly
and I think a lot of my listeners and clients are the same which is we tend to
lean towards that perfectionistic quality and then when things aren't perfect we tend
to get a little snappy and look it's hard to be a beginner at anything.
The second thing I learned was that I had not followed my own daily checklist of
my home model. And for those of you who have been listening to this podcast for a
long time, you know what the home model is. And if you don't, if this is the
first time you've ever heard me, home is just an acronym that I created for good
daily habits to manage stress and anxiety. H is for hydration, and I was well
hydrated. O stands for to observe your levels, which just means asking yourself the
question Do I need to eat or do I need to rest and I was not the least bit
tired But I was absolutely starving and therefore a little on edge The M is for
meditation and I had meditated that morning and the E stands for exercise And since
I had just played nine holes of golf and did a lot of walking. I checked that
box, too but the point was I needed to eat.
I was not observing my levels and therefore I got super cranky and super panicky.
And sometimes it's just like the simplest thing. We don't realize it's even
happening. And once I got myself like a healthy lunch with some rice and some fish,
I was like a new person. But up until I got something to eat,
I had gone down a rabbit hole of negative thinking. And I used one of my favorite
tools to reframe my mindset, which changed everything. And I call it the steps tool.
Steps stands for it's again an acronym like home. Steps stands for five things.
The S is for situation. Everything is a situation, right? Every circumstance or what
have you is a situation. And then every situation, we have thoughts about it.
And that's what sort of charges the situation positively or negatively.
And then the E is for emotions. Because when we have thoughts, we have emotions.
The P is for process. That's what are the action steps we take when we have
certain thoughts or emotions. And the S stands for shift or results or outcome
because there's always a shift depending on how we are thinking,
feeling, processing, therefore doing. So here's how that steps model worked for this
very long -winded story about my second golf game. First of all, every situation is
neutral until we have thoughts and emotions around it. So my situation was my
husband forgot to gather all my stuff and made me late. Now here's my thoughts.
First the negative ones because we always start with the negative ones because those
are the automatic thoughts. So my thoughts were, leaving the golf course, he doesn't
pay attention to detail, he doesn't value my time, we aren't compatible playing the
sport together, he's defensive whenever I point something out. He's angry with me now
and now I'm angry with him and I don't want to play golf with him anymore. Those
were my original negative thoughts. And then the emotions that came up, which is
just one word adjectives, but the emotions that came up with those negative thoughts
were frustration, anger, irritation.
So from those thoughts and emotions, what were the likely steps I was going to
take? Well, in other words, what process am I likely to take? My process was going
to be, oh, I just won't play golf with him anymore. And then we'll have an
argument about this later when he gets home. And then the shift or outcome was
likely to be give up on golf, feel annoyed with my husband, have a fight, ruin a
perfectly good holiday. So here's how I use the steps model again,
but reframing my thinking by choosing different thoughts,
positive thoughts, not just the automatic negative ones. So the situation remains the
same. My husband forgot to gather my stuff in from the cart before I left. My
thoughts could be he was thoughtful enough to bring my heavy bag over to the ladies
room so that I wouldn't have to carry it and it would save me time. He wants me
to learn to play golf so that we can spend more time together He didn't know that
I was cranky because I was hungry He was doing his best. I Could have left my bag
where it was and run back to the cart, which would have been easier for me And
even if he had left my stuff in the cart, he would have brought it home later And
it wasn't his fault that my blood sugar was dropping that's on me, and it wasn't
his fault that I slowed down the game because I'm a beginner. He was just trying
to be helpful. So those were all my positive thoughts when I had to force my brain
to think, "What's the other side of this argument?" And from that place,
thinking those thoughts, then I created a different set of emotions in my body.
I was grateful, I was empathetic, I was calmer, and I felt loved.
So from that place, what's my likely process? When I'm sitting in gratitude and
empathy and calmness and love, my process was to take care of what I needed,
which was get some food, take a few deep breaths, send a text thanking him for
including me in his golf game, and apologize for being snarky due to hunger and
impatience, which I did when he got home. Now the shift that is the outcome of
that reframe was that I changed my energy. I created good vibes in my own body.
I reconnected with him by sending him the text, thanking him for the day. And then
I was excited to go out and play together again. So it's kind of this amazing tool
where you just simply feel your feelings, think your thoughts, pay attention to your
actions, observe your outcome or shift, and then you reframe those thoughts.
And this changed my whole perception, along with, of course, eating lunch, which
helped a lot, But it changed my whole perception of the incident so that I could
have a different emotion Different process and a different shift in the whole
circumstance or situation Now I share this with you because even as a coach who
practices and coaches on these tools every single day I'm still a human being and
it's easy to forget to use our tools So I share this tool with you because it's
so simple and yet so hard sometimes to just remember to practice it.
But the hardest part of the tool because it is very simple is really just being
honest about your thoughts both the negative ones but also finding pushing yourself
to find a neutral or positive alternative to those automatic negative thoughts.
I think my most powerful thought on my reframe list was he wants me to learn to
play golf so we can spend more time together. Like that's it. So he doesn't care
that I'm a beginner, he doesn't care that I hit extra balls, and he didn't know I
was hungry. So by just rethinking it from his perspective,
it just gave me kind of a warmer and fuzzier feeling. And it reduced my anger,
and it made me feel available to be able to contextualize why I snapped and also
create an apology, which he generously accepted. So again,
there is no right or wrong thoughts, not in the negative model, not in the positive
model. It's about finding a thought that works for you. Because when you find that
thought that works for you, then your emotions change. And when your emotions change,
your process changes. And when your process changes, it shifts everything. That's what
I have for you today. The steps model, and to remind you to do your homework,
which is just H -O -M -E. Follow those basic four pillars to check yourself to make
sure that you're not feeling exhausted, dehydrated, hungry,
or maybe you need some exercise or maybe you need five minutes to meditate and just
center yourself. And then when you've done all those things, if there's something
bothering you, try using this steps tool. It's really powerful and it really works.
And if you have any questions. Please feel free to reach out to me. You can reach
me by my email. You can reach me on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, however you want
to contact me. I'd love to help you with this model and help you reframe your
thoughts if you're struggling to do it on your own. And with that, I want to wish
you a great day and a great week and I will talk to you soon. If
you would like to learn more about working with me as a coach, you can connect
with me through my website at jackiedecrinis.com. That's J -A -C -K -I -E -D -E -C -R -I -N -I -S .com.