You are listening to the Overthinkers Guide to Joy, episode 83. This is the one
where we're going to talk about why criticism is so much louder in your brain than
compliments. Let's dive in. This is a podcast for overthinkers,
overdoers, and overachievers who are tired of feeling overanxious and just want to
feel better. I'm your host, certified life coach Jackie de Crinis.
Hey there, and welcome back. So today I want to talk about a classic overthinker's
trait. This is one where we allow criticism to ride shotgun over compliments.
Now, I hate to generalize, but this is actually more common with women than men.
But according to the National Institute of Health, women tend to apologize more than
men. And I don't mean apologize necessarily in arguments. They just tend to say,
"I'm sorry more." Like, "Sorry for being late. Sorry you're upset. Sorry this, sorry
that." It's just a thing women tend to do. But in a separate study,
women also tend to ruminate more than men. That is kind of overthinking and playing
things over and over in your head. Wondering what they did wrong, what they said,
what they should have done differently. So, it actually makes sense. If women have a
greater tendency to apologize more and ruminate more, it makes sense that they're
more sensitive to criticism versus compliments as well. So, let's take Taylor Swift,
for example. She is one of the most successful recording artists in music history.
She has released, to date, nine albums. She's won 12 Grammy Awards.
This does not include her countless VMAs, MTV, and other awards. Her most recent
concert tour has generated $4 .1 billion in revenue.
The movie version of that tour had made $100 million in the opening box office
weekend. She has dated some of the most attractive men in film, television, music,
reports, she is reportedly worth over a billion dollars, and in her recent biopic or
documentary Miss Americana, she is quoted as saying, "When you're living for the
approval of strangers and that is where you derive all your joy and fulfillment, one
bad thing can cause everything to crumble." So these words were on the heels of
that famous incident with Kanye West at the VMA Awards back in 2009, where he stole
the mic from Taylor right as she was about to get her first VMA. And she explains
that all she had wanted since she was a kid was to be viewed as good and to be
praised and how precarious a belief system like that can be. And she recalls that
when the crowd at the VMA started booing, her mind didn't register that it was a
negative reaction towards Kanye, but rather towards herself. Now in the same
documentary, Ms. Maricana, she opens up about having an eating disorder and the film
takes a closer look at the effects because of a thoughtless comment made on a
picture of her, which was said to be unflattering. And she talks about thinking how
normal it was to feel like she might pass out during performances. And she goes on
to say, Because if you're thin enough, you don't have enough ass that everybody
wants. But if you have enough weight on you to have an ass, your stomach isn't
flat enough, and it's all just frigging impossible. Now, I'm not a Swiftie,
but I am in awe of her as a businesswoman, trailblazer, fearless, relentless singer,
songwriter, performer, icon that she's become. And the point I'm only making by using
her as an example is that if someone like Taylor Swift, a rich, famous,
young, tall, beautiful, beloved entertainer to generations of people worldwide,
is bothered by a snarky troll on social media when she has millions of fans that
would protect her, love her with every fiber of their being, spend their last dollar
to go see her in concert, see her movies, watch her documentaries by her records,
and she's still bothered by one snarky comment on social media.
And it makes sense that the rest of us regular folks can easily be unmoored by a
comment or the slightest disapproval from someone in our own circles. So the question
is, why does this happen? Why are we so prone to focusing on negative comments,
the occasional critique or disapproval, and we dismiss hundreds of compliments,
thank -yous, and accolades every day. Well, there's actually a number of explanations,
and some of it goes back to very old wiring. And of course, this is in our
brains, because we are wired with a little something called Negativity bias humans
haven't built in negativity bias which means that we tend to pay more attention to
negative information and negative experiences than positive ones.
This bias may have evolved as a survival mechanism as it was probably more critical
for our ancestors to pay attention to potential threats and dangers in their
environment. The negativity Bias is like our brain's way of saying, "Well, I'd rather
be safe than sorry." So it makes us pay attention or more attention to negative
stuff. So while we might get 10 compliments, which we quickly forget,
it's that one criticism that can haunt us for weeks or longer, depending on the
source. Now, we all have a natural survival instinct. And when you combine that with
something like social media, it can be a firestorm in your brain. Social media,
as we know, is a treasure trove of criticism. It's the place where everyone feels
entitled to be critical because it's safe. And a lot of times it's anonymous. So
when I say it's safe, I don't mean it's safe to be critical. It's safe for trolls
to be critical because they can hide behind a fake identity or name, nobody sees
them. But the question again is, why do the complements get lost in this mix of
negativity? Well, complements can be like background music at a party. It's enjoyable,
but it's not the center of attention. We don't give them the same importance because
they're not seen as urgent or as informative as criticism. And then there's social
norms. Like, in some cultures, there may be a tendency to downplay compliments and
focus on humility. People are more inclined to accept and internalize criticism as a
way to maintain modesty. And then there's the compare and despair game. As humans,
we are excellent at comparing ourselves to others. When we receive criticism,
it triggers that inner green -eyed monster, the competitive side of us. We want to
improve to try and prove the critic wrong. So how can we retrain our brain to
shift the focus from criticism to compliments? Well, the first step is to embrace
criticism. In the positive way, people may focus on criticism because they see it as
an opportunity to learn, adapt, become better at what they do. There's nothing wrong
with that. Growth, learning, always good. But it's when you turn it against yourself
and it becomes debilitating or when you again drown out the compliments so that you
lose your rocket fuel to move forward or learn or adapt. That's when it becomes
harmful. So whenever someone critiques you, it's really important to first consider
the source. If you're getting criticism or constructive criticism from someone you
respect and /or trust, get curious. In other words, ask questions.
Have them go into more detail so you can understand what they really mean. And this
might weed out something that you accidentally misinterpret. Or it might give the
critic an opportunity to revisit their own agenda, mindset, or even word choice. But
in other words, by you staying curious, not defensive, not combative, and not running
away from it, you may learn something valuable or you may learn that it wasn't
something that you really needed. But staying curious keeps you buoyant and it keeps
you out of that sort of self - loathing loop. So it's not about creating an
argument. It's about investigating where there's value and where there isn't. Now,
if the criticism is coming from someone you don't know, then you have to question
whether or not it has validity. So if it's on social media and it's not somebody
you know, you don't have to engage with them. But you might need to recognize for
yourself that they're an outlier with their own deep -seated insecurities. So,
it's just not for you to take on every time somebody has a comment. They will move
on to their next victim when you don't respond, because they feel like victims
themselves. But if your habit is not even about something someone actually said,
but simply a fear that you've said or done something wrong every time you've
attended a big event, whether it's a party or a conference or even a group lunch
with friends, rather than ruminating and worrying about something that didn't even go
wrong, be on to your own mental chatter. In other words, don't let your brain be a
runaway train of noise and doubt that has no bearing in reality. If you've done
something wrong, chances are someone will let you know. You don't need to replay
every single scene over and over again. But how do you stop the rumination if
that's been your pattern? Well, one thing you can do is you can remember that worry
begets worry and stress begins stress. So you have to shift the energy.
You have to shift the practice of rumination and worry and self -doubt.
You have to shift the focus to gratitude. So, when we're grateful for what we have,
or what is working, like a compliment, we change our vibrational energy.
Gratitude opens up our hearts and we become more receptive to more good things.
Basically, we become a magnet for more blessings, or miracles, or opportunities,
or just good stuff. This goes back to the negativity bias. Since our brains are
wired to look for threats or danger, we indulge that mindset and then we find
trouble. We find more reasons to be negative. But when we focus on gratitude,
particularly the small stuff, little stuff like running water, a comfortable bed, a
great cup of coffee, a chat with a friend, sunshine on our face, well then we
start to find more things to be grateful for, and more things start showing up.
It's just reorienting the magnet. So look, I understand.
If you've been wired your entire life to focus on what's not working versus what
is, or if you've always been that person looking, scanning the room for the face
that isn't smiling, isn't laughing, or doesn't seem content in your presence, you
just have to rewire this habit. It's a practice. So start noticing the good stuff,
the small stuff. And if you remember, write it down. Put it in your phone. Take
stock on all the good things that happen today. You can do them one at a time as
they happen or at the end of the day or even just in the last hour. Maybe you
got a great parking space when you were running late for an appointment. Maybe
someone offered to buy you a drink. Maybe a stranger paid you a compliment. Maybe
you got an unexpected refund in the mail. Look for the little things, and then the
big things will follow. And when someone says something unkind or snarky, and they
aren't that important in your life, or you don't even know them, take a page from
Taylor Swift's lyrics and shake it off. All right, friends, I thank you for
listening. I look forward to talking to you soon. Have a great week and be awesome.
Thank you for listening to this episode of The Overthinker's Guide to Joy. If you're
enjoying these episodes, please subscribe or follow this podcast so you can always be
in the know when the next episode drops. If you would like to learn more about
working with me as a coach, you can connect with me through my website at
jackiedecrinis.com that's J -A -C -K -I -E -D -E -C -R -I -N -I -S .com.
