You are listening to the Overthinkers Guide to Joy, episode 45. This is the one
where we're going to talk about why do we repeat the same mistakes in different
relationships. Let's dive in. This is a podcast for overthinkers,
overdoers, and overachievers who are tired of feeling overanxious and just want to
feel better. I'm your host, certified life coach, Jackie de Crinis. Hey there.
Welcome back. So one of the things that I was talking about with clients this week
was this notion about why do we keep making the same mistakes in relationships over
and over again. Specifically, one of my clients was asking me, "When I know someone
is going to disappoint me, why do I let them back in only to disappoint me again?"
And this recently happened with a client of mine who was dating someone off and on
for a couple of years. And it was about a year ago that she realized he was just
way too inconsistent and ultimately selfish for them to stay romantically involved.
So while she enjoyed his company most of the time, his unpredictable moods and his
lack of reliability did not make for an acceptable boyfriend. And so they broke up
and took a little hiatus. And she said, look, maybe at some point we'll be friends.
And he really wanted to maintain the friendship and worked very hard to be a good
friend to her. And she felt like, okay, if we're not romantically involved, then I'm
less attached to whether he cancels on me or is in a mood or what have you. And
she just figured his behavior wouldn't bother her as much if they were just friends,
and this worked for a while. So when her birthday rolled around, he insisted on
doing something special for her. He had planned a dinner and an evening out, and
she reluctantly agreed to get together. But he kept talking about it for weeks.
She's like, "Oh, it's going to be so much fun. We'll have such a great time. I'll
plan everything." Got it, got it. So she said she was looking forward to to, she
didn't make a lot of other plans for her birthday weekend. And then the morning of
this dinner, he called and said he was tired from working all week, and he needed
to reschedule. She was like, totally shocked because this was his idea.
And he was the one who kept talking about it. And he was going to plan it. And
he was going to like, you know, do all the things. But she ended up feeling more
annoyed than hurt and more frustrated than sad, but mostly with herself.
And she was asking me, why did I fall for it again? In another situation,
I had a client who had this relationship with one of her closest friends. Now her
friend was very social and very likable. And she was one of those women who is
like super generous, makes you feel very special. She's the kind of friend who knows
how to get you into like the popular restaurant when they're booked months in
advance, or she'll throw you a surprise birthday party. And the thing is with her,
or as my client was explaining, she became so comfortable and reliant on her
generosity and her seemingly effortless connections to new people and new places that
it just felt like this person who made everything more fun and possible and kind of
magical. And then she dropped the ball. The friends started getting flaky and would
cancel on her at the last minute or forget she had other plans. And then when my
friend brought it up to her, she was defensive and made her feel bad for even
questioning her. So this has happened to me too. And it's not unusual. It's a
dynamic that, you know, runs rampant amongst both men and women. There are people
who always have a great excuse for why they need to cancel. Their dog got sick,
their kid got sick, their other friend just had something really bad happen, and
really, what can you say to that? I mean, if you question it or judge it, it
makes you seem insensitive or selfish. And the thing is,
they're really good at not using the same excuse twice. So it always feels
legitimate. And so you almost question your own good judgment, like,
"Is it just me or are they flaky?" And you begin to question yourself.
So then you buy into their story. You feel sorry for them, "Oh, I'm sorry your dog
was sick. I'm sorry your kid got sick. I'm like I'm sorry your friend had lost her
job and you had to run over there with flowers and a bottle of wine or whatever
the excuse was. And because they apologize, and because they seem heartfelt about it,
they kinda lure you back in. So you get together, you have a great time, you think
everything is fine, and then the cycle of canceling at the last minute or forgetting
something more important begins again. They seem to move on to the BBD,
Bigger Better Deal, that's someone or something that is momentarily more interesting.
And when they pop back in your life, whether that's the next day or next week or
next month, you find yourself like accepting the breadcrumbs of this friendship. It's
almost like we accept the lack of respect of our time or our loyalty. And we see
this time and time again in romantic relationships, friendships, family dynamics,
and sometimes even in the workplace. So the question is, why do we fall for these
type of people? And the next question is, why do we perpetuate the cycle when we
see the pattern in the behavior? And this doesn't go for everybody, but for people
who, where this resonates, where they're like, Oh, yeah, I have friends like that.
Here's the answer. The answer is because this person is providing something you're
missing. Now it's usually something you've lost or something you never had,
but always longed for. So this person, whether it's your friend, your lover, your
boss, your colleague, they remind you of someone, someone you either want
unconditional love from or summon you want approval from. So that may have been your
mother, your father, your grandmother, your grandfather. There was likely to be a
person in your life who for one reason or another was not able to give you
unconditional love or stopped giving you unconditional love. And then there's a gap.
And so as an adult, even if you recognize it or have never thought about it, when
we then meet somebody who sort of taps into that same vibration that feeling like,
"I really love this person," again, romantically or otherwise, it feels like there's
a deep wound or hole that's about to be filled. And then that relationship becomes
like a drug, whether it has positive and /or negative side effects. We just want
more. So we think their erratic or inconsistent behavior will change if we just act
differently. Maybe if we're more easygoing or less judgmental or less attached to,
you know, when they show up or don't they? But the truth is that person is
probably not capable of filling that void because they're probably not equipped to do
so. They have their own agenda, and it's probably not personal with you, because
this is your pattern, and then they have their own pattern. And the two really have
nothing to do with each other. It's just this crazy dynamic in which somebody is
providing a feeling that you are longing for, and then you're providing something
they need, at least in the moment. But where are we complicit in this dynamic?
We're complicit because we attract it and then we tolerate it. And then we're
frustrated when nothing changes. We perpetuate the very thing we were afraid of in
the first place, not being loved, getting hurt, or being disappointed.
So if we don't learn the lesson with this individual, then we're likely to move on
and continue to the pattern with someone else. But when we're willing to face our
fears, and recognize who was it in our childhood that we are missing,
or we didn't get that unconditional love from, then we can begin to change the
pattern. When we take a hard look at that person or people,
how many ever times this pattern has shown up in your life, that we are relying on
for validation, we then come to recognize we have given away all of our power in
doing so. But when we practice self -compassion, self -love, self -care,
and we really examine what we're getting versus what we think we're getting in that
relationship, it can change everything. I had a client who had a very mercurial
boss. Sometimes they were really loving and grateful, and other times they were
irrational and volatile. Her days were either miserable or joyful, depending on what
mood her boss was in. So when we really got into it and we realized that this was
a pattern created from her childhood, because her mother was a narcissist and was
very unpredictable in her behavior. All she really wanted was to make her mother
happy, but that wasn't possible. So she spent the rest of her life patterning this
behavior in other relationships. And this was true for her romantic partners,
as well as her boss. And She admitted that the unpredictability and the volatility
was oddly comforting in its discomfort. It wasn't until she realized that the
dysfunctional pattern was causing her autoimmune system to break down and it was also
creating chronic anxiety for her. But when we talked about her confidence in her
ability to always be employable, make money and be self client, she took back her
power in her relationship with her boss. It wasn't anything she said or did. It was
just a change in her attitude, more specifically a change in her mindset.
She stopped looking for his approval or his adoration or his validation, and she
simply just did the work and stayed out of climbing aboard his emotional roller
coaster. And after that, she noticed changes in other facets of her life.
She noticed more confidence socially, and she also noticed her immune system
functioning better. It was all due to the mind shift that started with the thought,
I don't need this job. It might be as simple as, I want this job,
but I can find other work. This is, again, not about a verbal threat or a warning
to your boss. It's just simply a thought. It's simply a new thought. A feeling in
your body of having choices and other opportunities. And it's not any different in
your personal relationships, romantic or otherwise. When you're not dependent on a
certain friend for social plans. You might find yourself meeting new friends. Or if
someone is making you feel disposable or kind of like a doormat, that's because
you're consciously or unconsciously giving them permission to do so. But by setting
boundaries, whether you articulate them to them or just being clear in your own mind
about what's acceptable or not. For example, the friend who cancels last minute over
and over again, stop making plans with them, or invite others to join you so that
if they cancel it's their loss but your plans aren't ruined. But when you stop
being attached to others for your approval and unconditional love and you start
approving of yourself and believing that you are lovable, then you change the dynamic
with or without them. I have seen this time and time again with my clients. I have
watched them feel like they were being taken advantage either in the workplace or in
their personal relationships when they made this one mind shift change. When they
started looking at their situation as having choices and options,
everything started to change around them. It's so powerful and it's so magical,
and I've witnessed it so many times. And the thing is, it's possible for you too.
You have the opportunity in any relationship or any circumstance to ask yourself this
question. What are my choices? Do I really need this person or this situation?
Where else can I get my needs met? And just that, just sitting in the energy that
it is your choice and that you have options, what you'll find is options will start
presenting themselves to you. It's kind of this amazing magic trick.
All right, friends, that's what I have for you today. I am wishing you all a great
week and I look forward to talking to you next time. Bye for now. (dramatic music)
Thank you for listening to this episode of the Overthinker's Guide to Joy. If you're
enjoying these episodes, please subscribe or follow this podcast so you can always be
in the know when the next episode drops. If you would like to learn more about
working with me as a coach, you can connect with me through my website at
jackiedecrinis.com.
