You are listening to the Overthinkers Guide to Joy, episode 59. This is the one
where we're going to talk all about codependence. Let's dive in. This is a podcast
for overthinkers, overdoers, and overachievers who are tired of feeling over anxious
and just want to feel better. I'm your host, certified life coach, Jackie de Crinis.
Hey there, and welcome back. So in between coaching and podcasting and writing,
I listen to a lot of podcasts and I read a lot about the human condition and
psychology and patterns of behavior. And over the past few weeks, the subject of
codependence has come up a lot. So I first became aware of the word codependence
through mutual friends who were either children of alcoholics or were married to
alcoholics or who were somehow involved with somebody who was struggling with an
addiction. But years later, I came to appreciate, while the codependence term might
have been rooted in addiction and relationships that are connected to addicts, I have
since come to understand that codependence is a very broad term and actually relates
to a lot of different dynamics and circumstances. So, Melody Beatty wrote one of the
most seminal books on co -dependence called "Codependent No More." Her book has sold
more than five million copies and has just been re -released for its 35th anniversary
edition. And Beatty explains that when she first started studying the subject and
identifying as somebody with codependency issues in the 1970s, she started collecting
stories of people that she had both helped and whom had helped her in various 12
step programs. And what I've learned in reading her book, but also in just studying
the subject, codependence shows up a lot with adult children of alcoholics,
but it can show up for anyone who has suffered through an unpredictable childhood.
Now, in Beatty's book, which I will link in the show notes, she redefines
codependence as a codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior
affect him or her and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior. Now,
I see a lot of clients suffering from codependence in their relationships with their
parents, their spouses, and their kids, but codependence can also show up in
friendships too and show up in the workplace. Codependence is a condition in which
our happiness or sadness is dependent on another person's actions. Now, the most
classic example might be the wife of an alcoholic who believes their difficult
marriage would be fine if their spouse would just stop drinking or drinking less.
Now, the addict or alcoholic may or may not promise to cut back or get sober, but
for whatever reason, that promise just doesn't get fulfilled. the alcoholic either
continues to lie or make excuses or get defensive about their condition, while the
codependent starts fostering feelings of anger, hostility, fear, and a loss of
control. Now the codependent, who may or may not have their own substance abuse
issues, they may tolerate the abusive, toxic, or dysfunctional relationship because
they simply don't know how to get out. They just don't know how to leave it.
They're too attached to rescuing their partner, or they're too beaten down by the
dysfunction to trust themselves to move on. But there are so many other kinds of co
-dependence. It's not just alcoholism or drug addiction. There's the parent and child
who rely so heavily on each other for physical, emotional, or mental support that
there's no boundaries. The parent who is only happy when their child is happy and
the child is rarely happy because they're so codependent on the parent. It's a form
of arrested development, and it can often be a self -destructive pattern for both
parties, even in the absence of chemical abuse. And then there are other types of
addictions that lead to codependence. Alcohol and drugs, again, are the most common,
but addiction comes in the form of gambling, shopping, sex, and even relationship
addiction. and relationship addiction is defined as not having any identity outside of
a particular relationship. This is most common in romantic partnerships, but as I
mentioned, it can show up in platonic friendships too. Codependence is basically the
loss of self, the loss of one's self -confidence, the loss of one's ability to make
a decision alone, the loss of knowing what one wants or even needs outside of a
codependent relationship. We all have a little codependence on someone or something.
Look, when we're young, we are dependent on our parents or caregivers for food,
shelter, safety, and love. This isn't abnormal. This isn't negative. This is just
what it is. And our job as parents is to teach, love, protect, and take care of
our children. We need to make sure they're fed and safe and healthy and educated,
but in success We should be also teaching them independence Now it's a balancing act
for sure to give unconditional love while providing a container for boundaries and
rules and Hopefully in success we form a deep lifetime bond with our kids While
trying to push them forward so that they can one day fly out of the nest. So
obviously the goal is that we raise our children to fly on their own, but still
maintain a close enough relationship that bonds us and connects us for as long as
we're on earth. But in some parenting relationships, the lines get blurred.
Children don't learn to stand on their own two feet, and this is very common with
financial dependence, But it can also show up when they don't leave the nest
physically. They just choose to live at home forever or They never learn to self
-soothe. That is they don't know how to be emotionally independent every crisis. They
run to mom or dad So where does this codependence habit come from?
Why are we drawn to certain dynamics or relationships that make us codependent on
others? Well, usually it's something in someone's past that has led them to develop
codependence as a modus operandi or a coping device. And as I mentioned earlier, it
may have been from being the child of an addict, or it may have come from some
other kind of childhood disruption like a volatile divorce or a tragedy like the
death of a parent or financial hardship or an abusive upbringing with or without
chemical dependency that led the child to feel unsafe. So then as an adult,
codependency is something that we bring forward into our adult relationships. The
codependency is the false promise that if you're needed, then the person who depends
on you won't ever leave you or hurt you. But this line of thinking is simply
flawed. It's taking an internal wound and not addressing it. It's consciously or
unconsciously trying to heal those wounds by having someone else fill them up or
hoping that someone else fills them up. But you must love yourself first or need to
learn how to love yourself first. And this is particularly difficult if you were
told that you were unlovable or treated poorly or someone broke your heart or
someone abandoned you. This is likely where your codependence was born. And
codependence perpetuates the cycle of feeling unworthy because that person that you
are codependent on or with is likely to be a damaged person too. And you can't
control their actions. Their actions have nothing to do with you. Not their drinking,
not their shopping habits, not their sex habits, nothing. That is their story.
And even if they say it has something to do with you, it doesn't. And even if you
think it has something to do with you, it doesn't. And even if you think you can
rescue them, you can't. But the thought is the false thinking is that you think you
can rescue them. And then In turn, you think they might rescue you,
but only you can rescue you. So when we're in a codependent relationship,
we often think that if we were just strong enough, pretty enough, skinny enough,
rich enough, smart enough, devoted enough, then and only then the other person
wouldn't drink, gamble, cheat, shop, compulsively eat, lose their temper, or whatever
their addiction or drama is. And I see this so often in my practice.
Mothers whose adult children are overly reliant on them, because as much as it
drives them crazy, it also meets a deep -seated need to be needed. Or women who are
codependent with their spouses. Spouses who maybe are narcissists or so demanding of
perfection in everything from the appearance of their home to the way their children
act and speak. And it's all about control for the domineering male, and then the
wife chooses to tolerate it. I knew a woman who suffered from a whole host of
mystery maladies like fibromyalgia and Epstein -Barr, anxiety, depression, chronic
fatigue syndrome, all because she was married to a narcissist. But she wouldn't leave
because she convinced herself that it was in the best interest of the kids to stay.
And even though they all suffered from chronic anxiety and depression too, she stayed
in the marriage and suffered in silence. And I myself have suffered from codependence
in many of my past relationships. Something I needed or wanted from that relationship
or those relationships kept coming back and permitted me to tolerate bad behavior.
Because something about those relationships made me feel safe at the time. It was a
fallacy because it didn't make me feel safe. It perpetuated the cycle of uncertainty
and not feeling good enough and then tolerating bad behavior. It wasn't until much
later that I realized I was perpetuating the pattern myself by tolerating a co
-dependent relationship. So in Melody Beatty's book, she talks about the importance of
learning detachment. And she's very clear to distinguish But detachment isn't.
Detachment is not being cold or withdrawn, resigned, robotic, polyannish,
or shirking our responsibilities. Detachment is releasing. It is based on the premise
that everyone is responsible for themselves. Detachment is about accepting the reality,
but taking responsibility for ourselves and then letting others do the same.
It's about setting yourself free from the burden of worry and control and just
letting things happen. And again, we're not talking about that with small children,
right? Where you're responsible financially and legally and emotionally, ethically, all
the things. We're talking about this in adult relationships, not creating codependence
as a pattern as an adult. And the first step to breaking a cycle of codependence
is acknowledgement or admission that this might be something you're suffering from.
Perhaps you're listening to this episode today because on some level, the subject
matter resonated with you. Well, the second step is education, whether it's a book,
a program, or a counselor. You might start with reading Melody Beatty's book,
"Codependent No More," or you might need a support system, whether it's a 12 -step
program which stands for Co -dependence Anonymous or Al -Anon, the support group for
those people who have loved ones who are addicts, or it might be a therapist or a
coach. The third step is self -love and self -care. This is the foundation of all
healthy new beginnings. Whether you wanna start a new relationship or leave a toxic
one, whether you wanna lose weight or get healthy, whether you wanna make more money
or just find peace in your life. Self -love and self -care is where it all starts.
So look, co -dependence can take many forms and it can be very difficult to unwind
or unpack or even admit. And it may have many tentacles in your life and you may
not even realize it because you might have been like me and had a very narrow
definition of it. But if you suspect that you're suffering from excessive worry about
others and a feeling of chronic self -doubt or over -reliance on others. Then this
might be something you want to explore too. This wonderful book, "Codependence No
More," was a lightning rod for me in understanding so many behavioral patterns in my
life and so many people that I know and love too. All right, friends, I hope you
have a great week and I hope that This episode provided a little bit of insight
into maybe you or someone you know who's suffering with codependent issues and if
you would like, you can certainly pass it on to others or recommend the book or
like I said, reach out to a professional if you think you're struggling and need
some outside assistance. In the meantime, I look forward to talking to you next time
and I hope you have a great week. Thank you for listening to this episode of The
Overthinker's Guide to Joy. If you're enjoying these episodes, please subscribe or
follow this podcast so you can always be in the know when the next episode drops.
If you would like to learn more about working with me as a coach, you can connect
with me through my website at jackiedecrinis.com
