You are listening to the Overthinkers Guide to Joy, episode 54. This is the one
where we're going to talk about quarter -life crises. Let's dive in. This is a
podcast for overthinkers, overdoers, and overachievers who are tired of feeling
overanxious and just want to feel better. I'm your host, certified life coach, Jackie de Crinis
Hey there, and welcome back. So a few weeks ago, I did a podcast on six ways to
manage a midlife crisis and it turns out it's been one of my most popular episodes.
And recently I was reminded that midlife does not corner the market on crises. In
fact, currently I have a client who's 25 years old who is struggling with a quarter
life crisis. Now it's easy for those of us well past middle age to discount the
quarter -life crisis because when you're on the other side of 50, 25 feels really
young and it's almost like they still have their training wheels on for life. So we
expect them to have bumps and bruises and scrapes because they're just learning to
ride. But when you're 25 years old and going through a major reset in your life,
it's still a crisis of sorts. And in the case of my client, she graduated college
four years ago and has been dating the same guy she met in college six years ago.
And while six years may not feel like a lifetime, it's a long time when you're 25
years old. I mean, it's a quarter of her life and they've been together for all of
their adult life together. They had a college romance and then they've moved three
different times to three different apartments and they've had three different jobs
which often the nature of young people trying to figure out their career paths. They
even got a dog together, which is any couple can attest. When you adopt a puppy
together and raise it, it becomes like your baby. But over the last few months,
almost a year, there has been a lot of discourse in the relationship. And the
discourse was related to some dysfunction and probably was masked by the bubble of
college life for so many years, and then the financial dependent on parents early in
the relationship, and then the stressors of the pandemic, and then real life just
settled in. And when I say real life, I mean financial independence, working full
time, cooking, cleaning, trying to make ends meet, social obligations, family
obligations, and just some of the challenges that are in any long term relationship.
So as a result, the relationship started to become more and more challenging. Issues
about money, issues about productivity, issues about division of labor in the
household, issues of recreational drug or alcohol usage, and so on.
So whether it's quarter life or mid life or late in life, these are real issues
for any couple. And This couple went to counseling both individually and together,
but things just didn't change. The disagreements were kind of the same. And finally
my client, after much angst and debate, finally decided to call it quits. And not
unlike with the midlife crisis, the issues of quarter life are still the same. Where
will I go? Where will I live? What can I afford? Who gets to keep the dog?
And in the midst of this, my client was looking for a new job. She and her boss
had very different communication styles, and no matter how hard she worked, her boss
was just never happy. This affected her motivation, her self -esteem, and her
confidence. So amidst leaving her relationship, her apartment, her dog,
at least temporarily while she gets resettled, she's also leaving her job. This
definitely qualifies as a quarter -life crisis. She felt emotionally, mentally, and
physically overwhelmed by all the changes. She felt like she was failing at
everything and really starting over, rethinking every adult decision she had made thus
far. And during our last session, she really broke down in tears. She was packing
up her things in her apartment and all the emotions came flooding out. She was
putting the last six years of her life into a few boxes, suitcases, and trash bags.
And while her dog, who she loves more than anything, kept looking at her, confused,
and with his big, sad puppy dog eyes, she was heartbroken about having to leave her
dog. So I asked her, "If you were not alone packing right now, "and you were
taking your dog with you, "would you feel better about all the changes "that you're
about to make?" And she said, "I'd think so." So I said, "Then you're on the right
track." Because packing is just a temporary inconvenience or circumstance, and
hopefully the custody of the dog will be temporary too. But when you get away from
the stressors of a difficult relationship, you will start feeling better. The great
news is she had landed a new job and she made plans to rent a room from her
sister in a different city. So during our session, we talked about the art of
reframing. Rather than focusing on what wasn't working, things like "I'm packing
alone, I'm leaving my dog, I'm leaving a relationship of six years, I'm leaving my
job," we talked about focusing on what was working. She got a new job. Her new job
was going to pay her more and allow her to work remotely. Her sister was happy to
have her come rent a bedroom from her for a few months. her breakup was relatively
amicable. There was no yelling, no drama, no mind versus yours. It was pretty easy,
relatively speaking. So the other thing that was good was packing gave her an
opportunity to purge and minimize things that were weighing her down. Everything from
clothes that no longer fit to just junk that she had accumulated. And we talked
about the opportunity to start fresh and be more mindful about keeping things
simpler. We talked about focusing on saving more and spending less and she admitted
to probably buying more than she needed as a way to sublimate her feelings of
unhappiness in this relationship. So again, rather than focusing on something ending
by looking at it as a clearing or a new beginning, she began to feel better.
She had done a lot of work before coming to this decision. She recognized the
dysfunction of both her relationship and her job had weighed heavily on her for
months. And subsequently, she was unhappy during her days and her evenings. And she
did all the right things. Like I said, she went to therapy and coaching and she
got in touch with those thoughts and feelings. She found a way to compassionately
share them with her partner in an effort to try and make things work. But when
things didn't change, she gave herself permission to make a change. Albeit a big
change and a hard change, a change for the better. And when we're stuck, we forget
that we have choices. This is something I talk about in episode 51, the most
powerful thought you can think. Adopting the thought, "I have choices," is a very
powerful thought. It takes you out of the victim mentality and puts you back in the
driver's seat of your own life. And it reminds me of the quote, "There are three
solutions to every problem. Accept it, change it, or leave it. If you can't accept
it, change it, and if you can't change it, leave it. But you're never stuck.
While change can be hard, it can also be good. And when we lean into curiosity
that surrounds change, we create opportunity. And where there's opportunity,
there's a new adventure that awaits us. This is what I love to refer to as the
world of new possibilities. So whether or not you're going through a midlife or
quarter life or late in life crisis, you are not stuck. You always have choices.
That's the thought that you need to remember, so that you can take your first step
forward. All right, friends, I wanna wish you a great week and I look forward to
talking to you next time. Bye for now. Thank you for listening to this episode of
The Overthinker's Guide to Joy. If you're enjoying these episodes, please subscribe or
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